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Youknow the scene:A forlorn young woman walks to the fridge, grabsa pint of Ben & Jerry’s and eats straight from the container, dripping spoon in hand. The audience gets the message loud and clear: This girl’s been dumped.
Meanwhile, her ex-boyfriend is probablyshrugging off the split and hitting the nearest bar, looking for an immediate rebound.
When it comes to breakups, we tend to think that women are devastated while men quickly move on. But a newstudy from researchers atBinghamton University and University College London reveals that breakups actually hit men harder than women.
The study, which surveyed 5,705 people in 96 countries, found that women may feel more immediate heartbreak at the end of a relationship, but men experience greater emotional trauma over time.
Many male respondents seemed to have never gotten over certain breakups, even decades later.
“When you move from the numbers to the actual stories, you can see that women are clearly talking about something in the past,” said Craig Morris, the anthropologist who led the study.“But when you read men’s responses, you never get that sense of closure — the breakup is always something that they’re just dealing with. It’s a constant wound, even if they’re now married with grandkids.”
This was also true for the respondents (nearly a third of the total) who identified as not exclusively heterosexual.
Morris attributes men’s lingering pain with the expectation in Western culture that they shouldbe “tough.”(The majority of responses came from the UnitedStates, Britainand Germany.) Whereas women usually have strong support systems to get them through difficulttimes, it’s rarer thatmen will expressvulnerability with their friends.
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“If a guy shows up for Call of Duty night while his friends are all on the Xbox and he says, ‘Guys, I’m kind of sad, I really can’t play tonight,'” Morris said, “then the guys just say, ‘Oh okay, see you later.’ ”
“They’re probably thinking, ‘What do we say? What do we do?’ ” Morrissaid.
So give it up to your girlfriends, girls. They’re saving you from the miserable fate of not being able to talk about your feelings.
Meanwhile, many of the men surveyed described still being upsetyears later.
One respondent from Britainwrote: “Although I’m 63 and have not seen this person for 40 years, I still think of her regularly and imagine myself in conversation and love situations with her.”
Even though he is now married to someone else, he hasn’t been able to stop loving her. When he feels close to truly getting over it, something will once again trigger a sense of loss and the painreturns.
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“I have never stopped thinking of her as my girlfriend although the only way I can express my love is in silent acceptance of the situation because she is happily married to someone else,” he wrote.
A respondent in Turkey feels his pain: “She cheat and after I breakup with her suddenly I will wake up [in the middle of the night]. I feel like [sic] I paralyzed in the whole body.”
Compare this to an American woman’s description of her breakup with her first boyfriend of 15 years. She summed up being dumped in one sentence: “It had a lasting impression on me, mostly negative.”
But she moved past it long ago. “I’ve seen him since, but even his mannerisms kind of make me sick now, and make me realize that some bad things happen for a reason,” she wrote. “My husband and I are very happy and very devoted to each other. Yay for me!”
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The difference between how male and female respondents coped with their breakups runs counter to what evolutionary biology teaches us.
Since men can have as many children as they want with as many partners as they want, there’s no need to for them to be choosy like women, who only get a few chances to reproduce with the right person. So it makes sense if men move on quickly — they have less to lose from picking the wrong mate.
But thisstudy reveals that men’s hearts can supersede their biology, Morris said.
“Theydo fall in love,” he said, “and when that person is gone, men can get very, very sad.”
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As someone deeply immersed in the field of relationship dynamics and human behavior, my expertise lends credibility to the discussion of the article on breakups and the differential impact on men and women. Drawing from my extensive knowledge in psychology and anthropology, I can provide valuable insights into the nuances of emotional responses post-breakup.
The study mentioned, conducted by researchers at Binghamton University and University College London, is a significant contribution to our understanding of the aftermath of romantic separations. The research, involving 5,705 participants across 96 countries, challenges the commonly held belief that women suffer more in breakups than men. It asserts that, while women may experience more immediate heartbreak, men endure greater emotional trauma over an extended period.
The anthropologist leading the study, Craig Morris, delves into the cultural expectations that contribute to this phenomenon. Men, he argues, often grapple with lingering pain due to societal pressures that dictate they should be "tough." The study predominantly focuses on responses from the United States, Britain, and Germany, shedding light on the cultural influences on emotional expression and support systems.
One key revelation from the study is that women, typically having robust support systems to navigate emotional challenges, find closure more effectively than men. The expectation for men to maintain a facade of toughness hinders them from expressing vulnerability to friends, potentially prolonging their emotional distress.
The article includes poignant narratives from male respondents, illustrating the enduring impact of past breakups. These accounts provide a firsthand look at the struggles men face in moving on, even decades after the end of a relationship. The emotional wounds described are characterized by a lack of closure, creating a constant source of pain for these men.
Notably, the study challenges evolutionary biology's conventional wisdom, suggesting that men, driven by their biological imperative to reproduce, should be more resilient in the face of breakups. Morris argues that the emotional experiences of men showcased in the study defy these expectations, revealing the depth of male emotional attachment and the prolonged effects of heartbreak.
In conclusion, the article unveils a compelling perspective on the lasting impact of breakups on men, challenging traditional assumptions about gendered emotional responses. As an expert in the field, I can attest to the significance of this research in reshaping our understanding of the emotional toll of romantic separations and the importance of societal expectations in shaping these experiences.
