The harm in silence. (2024)

Why we need to move away from the ‘If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all’ narrative.

“If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” We’ve probably all heard this at some point in our lives, right? I know it’s been with me for as long as I can remember. Even now, as a parent myself I can hear my teacher’s voice in my head lecturing the class and it still feels like pretty good advice in terms of avoiding conflict and promoting kindness in children. However, I feel that the playground is exactly where this statement belongs and deserves to remain. As we grow up, so do our relationships and environments. Our interactions become too nuanced and complicated to work from such a basic and sweeping statement.

While this phrase aims to promote kindness, there are instances where perpetuating silence can have harmful consequences, particularly in the context of mental health, interpersonal relationships and authenticity. By taking the silent stance when faced with something that might feel difficult to navigate are we, over time, convincing our brain that our reactions to the material aren’t good enough?

Suppressing authenticity

The “if you can’t say anything nice” mentality, in my opinion, can lead to suppression of authentic thoughts and emotions. By adhering strictly to this principle, individuals may feel compelled to silence themselves even when they have valid concerns or criticisms. This suppression can hinder personal growth, prevent necessary discussions, and stifle open and honest communication. I’ve been there more times than I could possibly count. Whenever I’ve had a joint misbehave and make a run for it, it leaves very visible remnants of the incident. Sometimes, just nasty bruises but other times it results in breaks or fractures. Naturally, using crutches or being strapped up in a cast becomes a point of conversation and I can see the kindness and concern in people’s eyes when they ask me what happened. Fully expecting a ‘normal’ response like a fall or an accident but when met with what really happened I see their once compassionate face loaded with a well prepared ‘’get better soon’’ message suddenly crinkle up like a crisp packet. Their eyes searching for ‘the right thing to say’. Can we put that whole concept in the bin with the crinkled up crisp packet, please? Unless you’re about to say something cruel, discriminatory or morally questionable then the ‘right thing’ really is whatever you’re feeling. It’s okay just to be human and not know what to say and sometimes ‘’I don’t know what to say’’ is enough to communicate that you want to say something. Sometimes something is everything.

The Power of Compassionate Engagement

Staying on the theme of something being everything, there are instances when uncertainty or lack of knowledge leaves us unsure of what to say. Remaining silent due to uncertainty can unintentionally perpetuate feelings of neglect or isolation. When someone reaches out or shares their experiences, a lack of response may be interpreted as indifference, leaving the individual feeling unheard or dismissed. By overcoming the fear of not knowing what to say and offering a compassionate response, we create space for validation, empathy, and connection. As someone who has periodically given my experience to someone only to have it dropped due to uncertainty, honestly, it hurts. I chose to tell the truth and not supress my own authenticity in that moment which isn’t an easy thing to do, I’m trusting you with a real, live piece of myself. Why shouldn’t that be met with the same? This is where the narrative of ‘’if you don’t have anything nice to say’’ has found it’s limitations. As a child it simply meant ‘don’t be mean’ but as we grow up and evolve ourselves it seems to get twisted in the vines of nuance and somehow has grown into a narrative that perpetuates ‘silence for good’.

Acknowledgment is powerful

Even when unsure of the right words, acknowledging someone’s feelings or experiences can be invaluable. A simple expression of empathy, such as saying, “I’m here for you,” or “I don’t know what the right thing to say is,” can provide reassurance. This acknowledgment demonstrates that we value emotions and are willing to offer support, even if we don’t have all the answers. For me, it also gives permission to not have all the answers and promotes an opportunity to figure it out together. There seems to be some kind of societal pressure to have the answers and only contribute to the conversation if you ‘know’ what you’re talking about. There also seems to be a pressure on an individual with the lived experience to suddenly become a teacher. Just because I’m technically an expert in myself (I’m totally not, by the way. Not even close), doesn’t mean I can somehow educate you on how to relate or understand a whole community of people. Stop looking to us for the answers, please. We don’t really have them but, speaking for myself, I’d love to find them. With you, not for you. By engaging in conversations, even when uncertain, we create opportunities to learn, broaden our perspectives, and gain insights into different experiences. Through curiosity and a willingness to engage, we can foster mutual respect, build bridges of understanding, and challenge our own preconceptions. It’s important to remember that my flavour of difference isn’t the same as someone else. Even if we have exactly the same illness it’s important to see the person before the disability.

Emotional burden

Perpetuating silence places an undue burden on marginalized individuals and groups who are often expected to educate others about their experiences. The responsibility falls on them to break the silence and initiate difficult conversations, further straining their emotional well-being. This burden can lead to burnout, frustration, and a sense of invisibility. Placing the burden on individuals living with already difficult circ*mstances feels to me like just another way to promote ableism and places unfair expectations. For me, when I am treated like I suddenly have a PHD in…well, living I guess, I feel like it erases how multifaceted I actually am. As much as I want to contribute to a healthy conversation that could de-stigmatize and promote inclusivity, I don’t want to do it to the extent that all the other parts of me become invisible.

Silencing Marginalized Voices

The “if you can’t say anything nice” mentality can disproportionately impact marginalized communities. It can create an environment where experiences of discrimination, injustice, or inequality are ignored or dismissed. Silencing marginalized voices perpetuates systemic biases and prevents important conversations about social change and progress from taking place. Validating harmful behaviour. By focusing solely on saying “nice” things, we may inadvertently validate or enable harmful behaviour. Genuine and constructive feedback is essential for personal and collective development. Without it, harmful narratives can go unaddressed, leading to negative consequences for individuals and communities. Cultivating open dialogue instead of defaulting to silence encourages healthy communication and understanding. Creating an environment where diversity can be shared, conflicts avoided and relationships can grow.

Opportunities for Growth and Understanding

Silence prevents opportunities for growth, learning, and understanding. When we avoid discussing sensitive topics, we miss out on the chance to challenge our own biases, broaden our perspectives, and engage in meaningful dialogue. By perpetuating silence, we limit our personal and collective capacity for empathy and growth. Maintaining silence can strengthen power imbalances. Those in positions of privilege may benefit from the silence of marginalized individuals and groups, as it allows them to maintain control and avoid accountability. By speaking up and breaking the cycle of silence, we challenge power dynamics and create space for more equitable and inclusive conversations. Breaking the cycle of silence nurtures empowerment and social change. When we give voice to our experiences and engage in open dialogue, we empower ourselves and others to challenge injustice, dismantle oppressive systems, and work toward a more just and inclusive society. By actively listening, supporting marginalized voices, and amplifying their stories, we contribute to meaningful social transformation.

It’s my wish that we move away from the narrative of promoting silence, no matter how well meant it is. I’m a firm believer in the idea that there is nothing that can’t be said as long as it comes from a place of compassion and is used tentatively. So, the next time someone decides to share something about themselves and you find yourself trying to grasp for what to say. My advice would be to stop searching for the ‘’appropriate’’ response and check in with yourself. What are you feeling ? Is it anxiety because you can feel the weight of something that has been shared? Is it a wave of sympathy but you’re trying to find a way to not be condescending? Is it uncomfortable and you want to find a quick exit from the situation? Share it. Whatever the feeling, it’s valid and speaking from my experience when I’ve responded to ‘what happened’ with the truth about my illness I have felt nothing but relief when someone responds with ‘’Oh. I wasn’t expecting that. I don’t really know what to say to you”. The truth is, I don’t know what to say either! Do any of us actually have the answers because I’m not convinced. It’s enough just to be ‘good enough’ because that’s where the learning is and that’s where the connections get made.