Should You Send a Gift Even If You Can't Attend the Wedding? (2024)

These days, wedding season is busier than ever. And when the invitations keep coming, it can be hard to keep up. At some point, you're going to run into a celebration that you just can't attend. Maybe it will be for a colleague; perhaps you won't be able to swing your sorority sister's celebration in Italy this summer (you've already committed to another celebration on the same weekend). Any of these scenarios sound familiar? That's unsurprising: We all have to send our regrets every now and then. While that part is pretty clear—you definitely want to put your "no" RSVP in the mail promptly—what might be less obvious is whether or not you still need to send a wedding gift.

Traditional wedding etiquette states that if you can’t attend the celebration, you are not obligated to send a wedding gift—and this is still true in our day and age, affirms etiquette expert Elaine Swann. What you decide to do, then, may depend much more on your relationship with the happy couple than on etiquette (and, of course, on your own personal budget). But there's nuance to contend with here, too: How much do you give for a wedding gift if you're not attending? Should you send cash or buy something off the couple's registry? And when should you send that gift? Below, Swann answers your most pressing wedding gift etiquette questions if you've already RSVPed no.

Do You Have to Give a Wedding Gift If You're Not Attending?

In short, the answer is not necessarily, says Swann—you don't have to give a wedding gift if you ultimately send your regrets. Whether you do or don't send a gift, however, will come down to your relationship with the couple. "If we're talking about a work friend or colleague and you don’t know them well or don’t have close relationship, that is completely different than a dear friend," says Swann. This really comes down to common sense and what you might do instinctively: If your very best friend is getting married and you, for whatever reason, can't attend, you would want to send a present so they knew you were thinking about them. You likely wouldn't have those feelings for your second cousin's brother-in-law, so it's perfectly okay to skip sending a gift.

Appropriate Wedding Gifts to Give If You're Not Attending

You aren't attending the wedding, but you are going to send a gift. What type of present should you give? Do you mail some cash or a gift off the registry? "There’s no hard and fast etiquette rule that says you’d have to do specifically one or the other," says Swann. But again, context is the deciding factor here. Did you experience a last-minute emergency that precluded you from attending a close friend or family members's nuptials? In this context, send cash. "It's quick and will expedite the process," says Swann. If you can't attend due to a scheduling conflict, you'll have more "time to browse," notes Swann, so you can send something more personal or choose an option off the registry.

Still, your relationship to the couple will be the most important factor when deciding on an appropriate wedding gift to send in your stead. Here are a few options to consider based on those connections.

Colleagues and Acquaintances

If it's just a casual acquaintance or a coworker in another department at work, sending back your RSVP card is enough; a gift isn't necessary if you aren't attending their wedding, notes Swann. You may want to send a congratulatory card, either during their engagement or shortly after the wedding, but RSVPing is the only thing you really must do. This is the one instance where you shouldn't feel obliged to send a gift.

Family Members

It’s nice to send a small wedding gift if you can. Check out the couple's wedding registry and pick something that’s relatively affordable (think less than $50), or maybe contribute some money to their honeymoon cash fund.The amount you put toward the gift should reflect your closeness to this family member. Since you're not actually attending the wedding, it's acceptable to spend slightly less on a gift than you would if you were attending in person. A card accompanied by a small gift will more than suffice. In your note, congratulate them on their marriage and say that you’re looking forward to celebrating next time you’re all together.

Close Friends

Choose a gift that fits your budget and that you feel reflects your friendship, affirms Swann. Couples will often post a wide range of gift items on their registry, so look at their list early to find one that feels appropriate to your friendship level.Expect to spend less than you would for a close relative (Swann says $25 is a perfectly good starting point), but again, the extent of your friendship (and your budget) will indicate how much you should spend.

If it's a close childhood friend who you know supremely well, though, perhaps you skip the wedding registry altogether, suggests Swann. "These gifts should be personal and reflect what they enjoy; they should be more about the individual and their interests." Go the personalized route by gifting a framed print of the couple or a private cooking class that can be enjoyed at a later date. Make it a point to get together before the wedding so you can celebrate their engagement, even if you can’t be there on the big day.

How Much to Spend on a Wedding Gift If You're Not Attending

Whether you're sending cash, a gift off the registry, or a personalized present, you probably want to know how much you should spend or give for a wedding gift if you're not attending. According to Swann, $25 is a solid starting point; you'll spend more depending on your degree of closeness to the couple and your own budget. The etiquette expert uses what she calls "the onion method" when determining appropriate wedding gift spending—regardless of whether you RSVP yes or no. "It's like peeling layers. The closer you are to the couple, or the center of the onion, the more you'd spend on a gift," she says.

Still, Swann says, it's important that we're "modernizing" wedding gift etiquette (gone are the days of the cash-value-per-plate model, which was always a myth, she notes), particularly in the context of a declined RSVP. "In gift giving, especially when it comes to wedding, it’s important to recognize that the amount you should spend should work for your own personal budget," she affirms. "When we look at weddings and the folks who are getting married, age and lifestyle spectrums vary." She gives the example of young people just entering the workforce who might be invited to a friend or peer's nuptials—despite being the same age, they might be in two very different places in life. "We have to to be responsible and adjust expectations accordingly," she says.

When to Send a Wedding Gift If You're Not Attending

If you know you aren't able to attend a wedding, it's best to send a gift before the celebration happens, says Swann, so the duo knows you're thinking about them. It is, however, perfectly acceptable to send a wedding gift up to one year after the nuptials.

Should You Send Gifts If You Can't Attend Pre-Wedding Events?

The wedding is ultimately the only time you might send a gift in your absence, says Swann, who notes that this rule is specifically "wedding related." Per etiquette, if you can't make an engagement party or a bridal shower, you aren't obligated to send along a present (though you certainly can if you feel moved to do so!).