You may hit it off with someone romantically, but money can divide the most ardent lovers.
According to a February 2024 survey from fintech firm Bread Financial, 56% of couples say their spending, saving and investment philosophies aren't compatible with those of their partners.
That can lead to trouble: Of respondents who merged bank accounts with their partner, almost half (48%) said they uncovered financial mismanagement, bad credit scores or surreptitious purchases.
CNBC Select spoke with Wendy Wright, a Denver-based financial therapist and marriage counselor, about how couples can keep conversations about money from turning into bitter arguments.
What we'll cover
- Set regular times to discuss finances
- Consider putting aside the word "money"
- Focus on the future, not the past
- Remain adaptable when navigating ups and downs
- Bottom line
Set regular times to discuss finances
There's no perfect time in the relationship to start talking about budgets and financial goals. But if it hasn't come up naturally in conversation, bring up money before making a big decision like moving in or getting engaged.
If you're still in the early stages of your relationship, focus more on discovering if you have compatible financial values than on specific goals. Talking about money can be awkward, so Wright suggests gradually broaching the subject to get you both comfortable.
"Otherwise there's this pressure to put everything into this one conversation," Wright said.
Couples should aim to have numerous conversations, focusing on just one or two topics at a time. Wright recommends setting aside a dedicated time and space for these "money dates," which should be limited to 45 minutes and be spaced out enough to have at least a few days between sessions.
"That builds trust and also shows that you don't have to know everything all at once when it comes to money," she said.
Address differences head-on and try to find a compromise that works for both of you. Most importantly, approach these topics without judgment. Try to avoid kneejerk responses — If the conversation becomes too heated, Wright said, take a breather and come back to it when you're both feeling calmer.
Consider putting aside the word "money"
Financial therapy emphasizes examining the underlying emotions and beliefs that drive behaviors around money. To do this, couples must be able to move beyond surface issues and toward a more holistic understanding of how money affects their lives.
One strategy Wright suggests is to avoid using the word "money" and hone in on what emotional issues are beneath the dollars and cents.
"When someone is saying, 'I'm stressed about money,' they're probably saying 'I'm stressed that maybe I've made a mistake here,' or 'I'm stressed that I won't be good enough,'" says Wright.
By focusing on the underlying emotions, couples can gain a deeper understanding of each other's values concerning money and hopefully find common ground.
Focus on the future, not the past
As couples take on joint commitments and contemplate building a life together, Wright encourages them to create a money map. This is a timeline that visually represents each person's financial plans. You may want to take a $5,000 vacation every year, for example, or save a certain amount of money by retirement.
Whatever your goals, they should be reflected on the money map.
"Without judging them and without doing the math," Wright said. "Just put them on there so that each person is allowed to dream. Often within a relationship, as soon as one person says, 'I'd like to take this vacation,' the other partner starts to feel responsible for it and feels like, 'Oh now, we've got to make that happen.'"
That's where tension builds, she says.
Once you've laid out a money map, start prioritizing which goals you both want to achieve first. Budgeting apps can help keep track of your assets and how much you need to turn those dreams into reality.
Honeydue is a free budgeting app specifically designed for couples. It syncs to both of your bank accounts and offers bill reminders and spending category alerts to help you stay on track.
Honeydue
Information about Honeydue has been collected independently by CNBC Select and has not been reviewed or provided by Honeydue prior to publication.
Cost
Free
Standout features
Allows couples to see both partners' bank accounts, credit cards, loans and investments (and each partner can select what to share with the other) so you can manage money together and see everything at one glance
Categorizes your expenses
Yes, but users can customize
Links to accounts
Yes, you and your partner's bank and credit cards
Availability
Offered in both the App Store (for iOS) and on Google Play (for Android)
Security features
Data encryption, Touch ID and multi-factor authentication
Terms apply.
If you and your partner are looking to pool your money for a down payment or a dream vacation, SoFi Checking and Savings topped our list of best joint bank accounts. If you set up direct deposit, it has a healthy 4.60% APY* on savings balances and 0.50% APY on checking balances.
There are no account, overdraft or maintenance fees and no minimum balance requirements. SoFi is an all-digital institution, but you get fee-free access to over 55,000 ATMs across the network.
SoFi Checking and Savings
SoFi Bank, N.A. is a Member FDIC.
Annual Percentage Yield (APY)
Members with direct deposit earn 4.60% APY on savings, no minimum balance needed. Members without direct deposit earn 1.20%APY on savings balances, and everyone earns 0.50% APY on checking balances.
Welcome bonus
Earn a $300 welcome bonus when you direct deposit a total of $5,000 or more within 25 days of your first direct deposit. Get a $50 welcome bonus when you direct deposit between $1,000 and $4,999.99 within 25 days of your first direct deposit.
Fees
No monthly fee and no excessive transaction fees.
No-fee overdraft protection
No-fee Overdraft Coverage up to $50 for SoFi members with $1,000 or more in total monthly direct deposits. Purchases exceeding $50 are declined.
Offer ATM card?
Yes, this account offers a debit card that allows purchases and ATM withdrawals. Terms apply.
Offer checking account?
Yes, bundled with savings account.
Maximum transactions
Up to 6 free withdrawals or transfers per statement cycle. Transaction amount limits apply.
Pros
- A welcome bonus of $300 with direct deposit totaling $5,000 or more within 25 days of your first direct deposit. Or a welcome bonus of $50 with direct deposit totaling between $1,000 and $4,999.99 within 25 days of your first direct deposit
- Strong 4.60% APY with direct deposit
- No minimum balance or deposit needed
- No monthly fees
- Comes with checking account and ATM access
- Receive your pay check in your account up 2 days early automatically when set up direct deposit
- Save change automatically with Roundups and set savings goals with Vaults
- No foreign transaction fees
- FDIC insurance up to $2 million through the SoFi Insured Deposit Program
Cons
- Non-direct deposit APYs are low compared to other high-yield savings accounts
- No reimbursem*nt for out-of-network ATM fees
- No physical branches
Remain adaptable when navigating ups and downs
Since your financial situation will change, you and your significant other should remain open to reviewing your goals and adjusting as needed.
You might have agreed to split the household bills evenly when you first moved in together, for example. But if one of you lost your job, sticking to that could create friction.
Wright advises couples to stay flexible when deciding who pays for what in the relationship and approach each conversation about money with an open mind.
"It's telling if someone is highly rigid around [finances] and they're like 'Oh I make 32.8% more than you, so I'll pay that much more,'" she said. "We want more flexibility. We want to be able to talk about it and say, what are some other ways that someone can contribute?"
Subscribe to the CNBC Select Newsletter!
Money matters —so make the most of it. Get expert tips, strategies, news and everything else you need to maximize your money, right to your inbox.Sign up here.
Bottom line
Couples should reflect on their relationship with money, visualizing their financial priorities and deciding on a plan to achieve them together. Starting financial discussions early helps partners align financial goals and develop a strong foundation for a future together.
Meet our experts
At CNBC Select, we work with experts who have specialized knowledge and authority based on relevant training and/or experience. For this story, we interviewed Wendy Wright, a Denver-based Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Certified Financial Recovery Counselor.
Why trust CNBC Select?
At CNBC Select, our mission is to provide our readers with high-quality service journalism and comprehensive consumer advice so they can make informed decisions with their money. Every personal finance review is based on rigorous reporting by our team of expert writers and editors with extensive knowledge of personal finance products. While CNBC Select earns a commission from affiliate partners on many offers and links, we create all our content without input from our commercial team or any outside third parties, and we pride ourselves on our journalistic standards and ethics.
Catch up on CNBC Select's in-depth coverage ofcredit cards,bankingandmoney, and follow us onTikTok,Facebook,InstagramandTwitterto stay up to date
Read more
4 best budgeting apps that can help couples manage their money
The best budgeting app to help couples manage their money together
What couples should think about when deciding whether to combine accounts
Getting married? Experts weigh in on how to manage your money
* SoFi members with direct deposit can earn up to 4.60% annual percentage yield (APY) on savings balances (including Vaults) and 0.50% APY on checking balances. There is no minimum direct deposit amount required to qualify for the 4.60% APY for savings. Members without direct deposit will earn up to 1.20% annual percentage yield (APY) on savings balances (including Vaults) and 0.50% APY on checking balances. Interest rates are variable and subject to change at any time. These rates are current as of 12/12/23. There is no minimum balance requirement. Additional information can be found at http://www.sofi.com/legal/banking-rate-sheet.
Editorial Note: Opinions, analyses, reviews or recommendations expressed in this article are those of the Select editorial staff’s alone, and have not been reviewed, approved or otherwise endorsed by any third party.
