Imagine that you have been dating someone for several years. You have gone out to lavish sushi restaurants for dinner, flown to Miami for a beach trip together, and gone to a Rolling Stones concert where the tickets were front and center. Your partner always wears nice clothes, recently got a new car, and even brought home a thoroughbred dog. Life is good, and you and your partner are planning to tie the knot. As you discuss finances, a taboo topic you have tactfully avoided discussing throughout your relationship, you learn that your partner has saddled themselves with thousands of dollars in debt! How would you feel in this situation?
Finances are one of the most taboo conversation topics within relationships.
It feels awkward or uncomfortable to discuss finances with our friends or colleagues, and this feeling carries over when discussing finances within our romantic relationships. Earning a salary you are not proud of, investing in a company or venture that flopped, or carrying debt in your name can be embarrassing and can often be difficult to admit to your partner with full transparency. Due to the uncomfortable nature of personal finances, romantic partners may resort to financial infidelity.
Financial infidelity is defined as any financial behavior expected to be disapproved of by one’s romantic partner and purposefully not mentioning this behavior to them. Common examples of financial infidelity include hiding excess income or secret savings accounts, lying about how much debt is in your name, or making expensive purchases that you do not tell your partner about. Money is the most common source of tension between romantic partners, and sexual infidelity (i.e., cheating) is a well-known recipe for disaster in romantic relationships. This research bridges these two concepts, defining and exploring how often financial infidelity occurs between partners.
Types of financial infidelity
Sampling a large group of participants, the researchers discovered that financial infidelity tends to fall into six categories: spending, saving, debts, gift-giving, gambling, and income. Three common behaviors participants admitted to were:
- If I really wanted to purchase something, but my partner did not approve of the price, I would consider buying it anyway and not telling him/her. (Spending)
- I would hide a bill from my partner to avoid upsetting him/her. (Debts)
- Sometimes I avoid telling my partner how much money I spend on gifts to avoid confrontation. (Gift Giving)
The researchers found that 85 percent of participants in romantic relationships had hidden or lied about spending at least once before, 59 percent had hidden or lied about savings, and 40 percent had taken on debt and not told their partner about it. As you might imagine, financial infidelity is detrimental to supporting healthy, transparent relationships.
Opening up and being honest with your partner about personal finances is not easy, but it is vital. Telling your partner about every little purchase or gift you buy isn’t necessary, but mentioning the big stuff is. Even though it feels easier in the moment to lie or withhold the truth about a financial decision your partner may not be happy to hear, being honest will pay dividends on the trust you feel for your partner, leading to an ultimately stronger and healthier relationship.
References
Garbinsky, E. N., Gladstone, J. J., Nikolova, H., & Olson, J. G. (2020). Love, lies, and money: Financial infidelity in romantic relationships. Journal of Consumer Research, 47(1), 1-24.
FAQs
Financial infidelity is defined as any financial behavior expected to be disapproved of by one's romantic partner and purposefully not mentioning this behavior to them.
How serious is financial infidelity? ›
Of course, if you're married or cohabiting, financial infidelity can have significant financial effects too. Keeping information about funds from a spouse can result in them falling into debt, having to help repay your debts, or even losing their home in cases where arrears are kept quiet.
How to get over financial infidelity? ›
How to Recover from Financial Infidelity
- 6 practical ways you can address financial infidelity in your relationship: ...
- Acknowledge what's been compromised. ...
- Be honest and come clean. ...
- Understand your own value system around finances. ...
- Examine your relationship. ...
- Listen without judgement. ...
- Strive for transparency.
While financial infidelity can and has led to the termination of many marriages, relationships can survive if spouses make a mutual commitment to be honest and communicate.
What is a financial deceit in marriage? ›
Financial infidelity happens when you or your spouse intentionally lie about money. When you deliberately choose not to tell the truth about your spending habits (no matter how big or small), that is financial infidelity.
Is financial infidelity a deal breaker? ›
Financial infidelity involves hiding savings, debts, and spending from your partner. Keeping money-related secrets in relationships is the number-one financial deal breaker.
Should I divorce over financial infidelity? ›
While financial infidelity is not an official ground for divorce, deceitful behaviors can have legal implications in proceedings: Division of Property — Hiding assets or debts skews division. For example, if your spouse secretly amassed $100,000 in stock investments, you likely have a claim to half.
Why do men commit financial infidelity? ›
Like all forms of cheating, the problem is fundamentally a lack of trust. In a relationship with financial infidelity, the ability to talk about money isn't present. Either there is a desire or demand to control money in the way you want to without compromising with your significant other.
How to deal with a spouse who lies about money? ›
Here is what you should consider doing if you find out your spouse has been lying to you about the finances.
- Gather the Facts.
- Discuss the Issues.
- Determine If This Behavior Is a Deal Breaker.
- Consider Temporarily Separating Finances.
- Set Up Clear Expectations.
- Moving Past the Situation.
- If You Have Been Lying to Your Spouse.
Confront or confess.
If you're already in a serious relationship and you've discovered financial infidelity (or committed it yourself), approach your partner. Don't throw wild accusations or go into the conversation angry. Sit them down and explain what you found (or what you did).
The gospel of Jesus Christ gives hope for a marriage damaged by financial infidelity. In the gospel, there is repentance, grace, forgiveness, and reconciliation. For such an act of betrayal, it will take time for a marriage to rebuild the damage that was done.
How to prove financial infidelity? ›
SIGNS OF POSSIBLE FINANCIAL INFIDELITY
They can include things such as the following: Unexplained withdrawals from your shared bank accounts; Unexplained charges on shared credit card statements; Finding statements for bank accounts, loans or credit cards that you did not know about.
Why does financial infidelity feel like cheating? ›
Even if you don't intend on deceiving your partner, keeping secrets about the money you have (or don't) can have that effect—much like flirting with someone who isn't your partner could be perceived as emotional cheating even if you didn't set out to cheat on or hurt your partner.
What are the red flags of financial infidelity? ›
It can be small money lies or big lies, there can be secret spending, secret bank accounts, spending amounts or purchasing items you know your partner wouldn't agree or approve of, or ignoring financial boundaries such as discussing purchases that cost more than an agreed upon amount such as $500 or $1,000.
Can I sue my husband for financial infidelity? ›
Suing a spouse for financial infidelity specifically is not a straightforward legal action under most family law frameworks. However, during divorce proceedings, a spouse can pursue legal remedies if financial infidelity has led to the dissipation or concealment of marital assets.
What is an example of financial infidelity? ›
Examples of financial infidelity can include hiding existing debts, excessive expenditures without notifying the other partner, and lying about the use of money. Financial infidelity can create tension and difficulty in relationships that may lead to the end of the relationship if not corrected.
Can you go to jail for financial infidelity? ›
Is financial infidelity illegal? Financial infidelity, while deeply damaging to the trust and foundation of a marriage, is not illegal in the criminal sense. However, it can lead to legal consequences in the context of divorce proceedings.
Can you sue your spouse for financial infidelity? ›
If your spouse secretly opened an account and incurred debt while conducting an affair or compulsively shopping for their own ends, you may be able to make a claim to the courts that your lack of awareness of the debt and the fact that it only benefited your spouse means that the debt isn't marital property subject to ...
What to do if someone cheats you financially? ›
Look at your accounts
Sometimes, financially cheating spouses set it up so they handle all the money—keeping you from catching them in the act. Go through all your accounts and take stock of the damage. Find out how long it's been happening. Get a sense of the amount of money involved.
