Passive-aggressive behavior isn't always intentional. As a speech and communications expert, I've found that people who have these tendencies often just struggle with being honest about their emotions.
But when you send mixed messages by failing to be straightforward, problems and tensions can go unresolved and people make assumptions about how you feel. It may even make people respect you less.
The most successful communicators get to the point and avoid these phrases that only serve to irritate the listener:
1. "Just a friendly reminder..."
I call this one a "throat clearer" — an indirect attempt to demand attention or a faster response. Other phrases to eliminate: "Per my last email...," "Not sure if you got the memo, but..." or "As I mentioned before..."
These phrases only camouflage your request and make the other person think you're trying to nag, blame or be bossy.
What to say instead: Be direct. If you need a quick turnaround, there's nothing wrong with saying, "Hey, I'm sorry to bug you again, but I need a response."
2. "Don't take this the wrong way, but…"
This phrase almost always prefaces something annoying or offensive.
The lazy, self-serving logic behind it is that if you tell people in advance that you're going to be rude, it's okay to go ahead and do so. Wrong.
What to say instead: Legitimate criticism is necessary and even helpful, as long as you're not a jerk about it. Think before you speak: Are you focusing on the problem you want to solve?
If so, it's fine to say: "Is this a good time to talk? There's something that's been bothering me" or "I'm concerned about your performance. Let's talk about it."
3. "Got it."
Sometimes, this is just another phrase for "Yep, okay." But the sarcastic version means something different: "Shut up, I heard you" or "You're annoying, leave me alone."
Sarcasm is the most obvious form of passive aggression, and possibly the most hurtful. Your audience may have no idea that you're upset, much less why you're upset. You're just dumping your feelings on them with little context.
What to say instead: Examine why you're upset. Then try saying, "I'm sorry if I seem annoyed.I'm having a hard time with this assignment" or "I'm stressed because I already have two deadlines today."
4. "Hey, how are we doing with that task I'm waiting for?"
Softening a request might seem polite, but it can also be a form of passive aggression. Think of other "softeners" like "Thanks in advance" or "Hey, what's our ETA looking like?"
If you're asking for something as a boss or colleague, don't pretend like you're being a pal. It's fine to be explicit and state what you need and when.
What to say instead: Be upfront. Remind them of the deadline, then explain the stakes of missing it: "I really need this by tomorrow or the client will be very upset."
5. "If that's what you want to do…"
This phrase implies disapproval. Other passive aggressive judgement signals include "Just so you know..." or "For future reference..."
Your listener hears a common refrain in each of these phrases: "I don't agree. Don't you know who I am? You messed up again." None of these messages are helpful to anyone.
What to say instead: People don't usually make decisions to upset you. If you disagree, speak up. But lead with the benefit of the doubt. Is your input required? Is this the right time to say something?
If so, be polite and direct as you advocate for what you think is best: "What if we take this course of action for this benefit?"
Remind yourself that you will get to make lots of decisions in your life. If you don't have a say in this one, the world will keep spinning.
John Boweis a speech trainer, award-winning journalist, and author of"I Have Something to Say: Mastering the Art of Public Speaking in an Age of Disconnection." Hehas contributed to The New Yorker, The New York Times Magazine, GQ, McSweeney's, This American Life, and many others. Visit his websitehereand follow him onLinkedIn.
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As a seasoned speech and communications expert with a background in training, journalism, and public speaking, I bring a wealth of knowledge and hands-on experience to the discussion of passive-aggressive behavior in communication. My expertise extends to the nuances of language, the impact of communication styles on relationships, and the art of effective expression. I am John Bowe, an award-winning journalist and the author of "I Have Something to Say: Mastering the Art of Public Speaking in an Age of Disconnection."
In the realm of communication, I've observed that passive-aggressive behavior often stems from an inability to be honest about one's emotions. This lack of directness can lead to unresolved issues and misunderstandings, ultimately diminishing respect and hindering effective communication. The article highlights common phrases that contribute to passive-aggressive communication and provides alternatives for more direct and constructive expression.
Let's delve into the concepts discussed in the article:
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Throat Clearer Phrases:
- "Just a friendly reminder..."
- "Per my last email..."
- "Not sure if you got the memo, but..."
- "As I mentioned before..."
Recommendation: The article suggests being direct instead of using these vague phrases. For example, stating, "Hey, I'm sorry to bug you again, but I need a response."
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Prefacing Criticism:
- "Don't take this the wrong way, but…"
Recommendation: Genuine criticism is encouraged, but the article advises thinking before speaking and framing concerns positively. For instance, saying, "Is this a good time to talk? There's something that's been bothering me."
-
Sarcastic Agreement:
- "Got it."
Recommendation: The article points out the passive-aggressive nature of sarcastic agreement. Instead, it suggests expressing genuine feelings, like saying, "I'm sorry if I seem annoyed. I'm having a hard time with this assignment."
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Softening Requests:
- "Hey, how are we doing with that task I'm waiting for?"
- Softeners like "Thanks in advance" or "Hey, what's our ETA looking like?"
Recommendation: The article advises being upfront and explicit when making requests, avoiding unnecessary softening. For example, clearly stating, "I really need this by tomorrow or the client will be very upset."
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Implied Disapproval:
- "If that's what you want to do…"
Recommendation: The article suggests being direct and polite when expressing disagreement. For instance, proposing an alternative with, "What if we take this course of action for this benefit?"
In conclusion, effective communication requires clarity, directness, and an understanding of the impact of language. By avoiding passive-aggressive phrases and opting for straightforward communication, individuals can foster better relationships and prevent misunderstandings.
