Whether you were denied a promotion at the office or you didn't qualify for a marathon, failing feels bad. Many people will go to great lengths to avoid failing so they don’t have to feel painful emotions.
There are many reasons why you might be feeling like a failure. Some factors that might play a role include:
- A sense of hopelessness
- Anxiety
- Depression
- Feelings of helplessness
- Lack of supportive relationships
- Low self-esteem
- Making comparisons with others
- Poor self-concept
- Negative self-talk
- Unrealistic expectations
If you find yourself thinking, "I am a failure," it's important to know that there are things you can do to feel better. Knowing how to deal with failure in a healthy way takes some of the fear out of it—and it might reduce the pain so you can bounce back better than before.
First of all, it's important to acknowledge that everybody fails at one time or another, but that doesn't make us failures—it just means we are human, and that things didn't work out this time.
1
Embrace Your Emotions
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Failure is accompanied by a variety of emotions: embarrassment, anxiety, anger, sadness, and shame, to name a few. Those feelings are uncomfortable, and many people will do anything they can to escape feeling emotional discomfort.
A 2017 study published in theJournal of Behavioral Decision Makingsays you shouldn’t try to slough off feeling bad after failure. Researchers discovered that thinking about your emotions—rather than the failure itself—is most helpful.
Allowing yourself to feel bad is motivating. It can help you work harder to find better solutions so that you’ll improve next time.
So, go ahead and embrace your emotions. Acknowledge how you’re feeling and let yourself feel bad for a bit. Label your emotions as you allow yourself to experience them. For example, you might think, "I'm disappointed," or "I'm sad that didn't work out."
2
Recognize Unhealthy Attempts to Reduce Pain
You might be tempted to say, “I didn’t actually want that job anyway,” but minimizing your pain won’t make it go away. Distracting yourself or filling the void you feel with food, drugs, or alcohol won’t heal your pain either. Those things will only provide you with some temporary relief.
Recognize the unhealthy ways you try to avoid or minimize pain in your life. Turning to coping mechanisms that do more harm than good will only make your situation worse.
Avoidance Coping and Why It Creates Additional Stress
3
Practice Healthy Coping Skills
Calling a friend, practicing deep breathing, taking a bubble bath, going for a walk, or playing with your pet are just a few examples of healthy ways to deal with your pain. Not every coping skill works for everyone, however, so it’s important to find what does for you.
If you struggle with bad habits when you’re stressed out—like smoking or eating junk food—create a list of healthy coping skills and hang it in a prominent place. Then, use your list to remind yourself of the healthier strategies you can turn to when you’re feeling bad.
4
Acknowledge Irrational Beliefs About Failure
You may have developed some irrational beliefs about failure at some point in your life. Perhaps you think failure means you’re bad or that you’ll never succeed. Or maybe you think no one will like you if you fail.
Those types of beliefs are inaccurate, and they can prevent you from doing things where you might not succeed. Make a point to identify the irrational beliefs that might be impacting your feelings and behavior.
5
Develop Realistic Thoughts About Failure
A 2016 review published in Clinical Psychology Review of 46 studies examining reactions to failure found that "more positive attributional style" was a strong factor in how resilient people were to the emotional distress caused by failure. In other words, seeing the failure as a result of something specific and external rather than something internal.
When you find yourself thinking that you’re a hopeless cause or that there’s no use in trying again, reframe your thoughts. Remind yourself of more realistic thoughts about failure such as:
- Failure is a sign that I’m challenging myself to do something difficult.
- I can handle failure.
- I can learn from my failures.
You may need to repeat a phrase or affirmation to ward off negative thoughts or to reinforce to yourself that you can bounce back.
6
Accept an Appropriate Level of Responsibility
It’s important to accept an accurate level of responsibility for your failure. Taking on too much may cause you to unnecessarily blame yourself. On the other hand, blaming other people or unfortunate circ*mstances on your failure will prevent you from learning from it.
When you think about your failure, look for explanations, not excuses. Identify the reasons you failed and acknowledge what you can do differently next time.
7
Research Famous Failures
From Thomas Edison to Walt Disney, there’s no shortage of famous failures. Spend some time researching famous people who have failed. You’ll likely find that they did so many times along the way.
Many successful people continue to fail regularly. Actors get rejected for roles, athletes get cut from the team, and business owners get turned down for deals.
Study what they did to bounce back. You might learn skills that can help you in your own life. It can be helpful to see that failure is something that everyone deals with.
Extrinsic vs. Intrinsic Motivation
8
Ask Yourself What You Can Learn
Failure can be a great teacher if you’re open to learning. Did you make a mistake? Did you make a whole series of mistakes?
Think about what you could do differently next time. Then, you will ensure your failure has become a life lesson that helped you learn something.
Instead of seeing a failure as a burden weighing you down, look at it as a stepping stone toward your goals.
9
Create a Plan for Moving Forward
Once you've identified your mistakes and where you can learn from them, you'll be ready to make a plan for moving forward. Remember that dwelling on your problems or rehashing your mistakes will keep you stuck.Stop thinking, "I am a failure," and focus on thinking, "I am capable of trying again."
With your new learnings, think about what you’ll do differently next time. Create a plan that will help you put the information you gained into practice.
10
Face Your Fears of Failure
If you’ve spent most of your life avoiding failure, it can feel really scary when it finally happens. Facing your fears, however, can be the key to reducing the discomfort.
Practice stepping outside your comfort zone. Do things that might get you rejected or try new things where you could fail. Over time, you’ll learn that failure isn’t as bad as you might imagine. It will help you learn to face your fear of failure in a way that can be productive and help you reach your goals.
A Word From Verywell
Sometimes, failure becomes debilitating. If you’re struggling to function after you’ve failed at something, consider seeking professional help. Whether you’ve experienced a failed marriage or you’ve failed in business, talking to a mental health professional can assist you in bouncing back.
