Reputation is defined as the set beliefs and opinions that are generally held about someone or something. We spend a lot of time trying to manage our reputation because it tends to dictate our social experiences. Professionally, having a good reputation can lead to career advancement. Personally, a good reputation can attract a strong social circle and potential mates. Accordingly, we attempt to control our reputations in a myriad of ways, from what we say and do to the way we curate our digital presence.
But what if I told you that you actually don’t have any control over your reputation?
The origin of reputation
The thing about our reputation is that it resides inside the minds of others. And what goes on in someone’s mind isn’t within our realm of control- despite our best efforts. As a recovering control freak, that big truth still makes me feel uneasy.
Just for fun, ask yourself how much of what you say and do is intended to influence what others think of you. Sometimes it’s as benign as laughing at the hot guy’s joke so that we seem likable. Or maybe we agree with our bosses ideas so that she thinks we’re a team player. A more serious example is choosing not to speak up for fear of appearing confrontational.
This isn’t to say we shouldn’t ever consider others, but it’s a good practice to note when our (re)actions – or lack thereof- are authentic versus when we sacrifice our authenticity for the sake of our reputation.
Learning reputation management
As gay men, reputation management is a skill we develop and hone early, especially those of us who were in the closet in our younger years. We learned how to appear more like the other boys, knowing that there were repercussions for expressing ourselves differently- even if that expression felt authentic.
I have a vivid childhood memory of coming out of the bathroom wearing a big floral towel draped around my body as if it were a dress. Madonna was playing on the radio and while my dad stepped out of the room for a minute, I sang and danced in my dress. As soon as he walked in, I saw from the expression on his face that my behaviour was unacceptable. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I made a mental note to myself: no more prancing around to Madonna in a towel dress. Not in front of people, anyway.
Before I knew words like reputation, identity and personal branding, I learned the importance of fitting in so that I would feel accepted and loved. I buried my true self and behaved in such a way that would ensure I was all those things a good boy should be. Privately of course I knew my true nature- my character- was a more expressive (read: feminine) version of the reputation I was constructing.
Like many of us, I hid the authentic fabulously queer me under layers of shame and fear until I finally began to shed those layers to reveal my true character. This shedding is what we call the coming out process.
The truth about reputation
The truth is that what people think about you is none of your business. What goes on in their mind is a byproduct of their perception- their unique mental interpretation based on their history, experiences, beliefs, biases, etc. Therefore, your reputation is more of a reflection of what’s going on in their mind than anything that has to do with you personally.
When we consistently act and speak in alignment with our authentic self, over time we build a strong sense of character- and our reputation will naturally follow.
So when I say reputation is none of your business, I know that can be a hard pill to swallow. After all, our social structures are built such that our reputations can make or break us. On top of that, companies make a lot of money banking on the fact that we care so deeply about our image.
The result is that we spend more time curating the image of how we want to be perceived rather than simply being that person. And if we harbour some internal shame about our perceived flaws, we attempt to cover it up by obsessively managing our reputation.
While reputation is essential to functioning in society, there is something that is within our control that in fact transcends the efficacy of reputation: character.
Character vs. reputation
Character is like a tree and reputation like a shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing
Abraham Lincoln
Character and reputation are similar in that both define you and your experience of life. But they are different in some very big ways:
Character is who you really are; reputation is who people think you are.
Character is a legacy built over time; reputation can change quickly.
Character is an expression of self; reputation is determined by others.
Character is authentic; reputation is biased.
Character is within your control; reputation is something you can only influence.
Where character and reputation meet
The only things we actually have control over are our thoughts and our actions, both of which influence our character and reputation. Repeated thoughts turn into beliefs and those beliefs affect the words we use and actions we take. When we consistently act and speak in alignment with our authentic self, over time we build a strong sense of character- and our reputation will naturally follow.
This may not happen immediately since our reputation can suffer based on one poor choice or bad judgement call. But our character is the sum of all of our choices and judgments over time and therefore takes longer to develop and has a more lasting impact.
Character: the better alternative
What happens in the minds of others is barely within your realm of influence, let alone control. So attempting to control it is a mentally draining and futile endeavour.
It is a more effective use of time to focus less on what people think of you and more on simply being the person you want to be by aligning your thoughts, words, and actions to that.
It sounds easy but it requires self-awareness, discipline, and honest introspection- and then having the confidence to surrender your reputation.
In doing so, you naturally build a well-defined and authentic character over time and then your reputation takes care of itself. And even if it doesn’t, it’s really none of your business anyway.
Photo by Marcos Paulo Prado on Unsplash
