Spoiler alert: Intentional self compassion combats negative self talk. But one of the most fascinating aspects of negative self-talk is why it exists in the first place. Why do we have an inner voice that seems to chatter away of its own accord? And why does it so often tell us harmful, untrue things about ourselves that undermine our confidence and make us less happy and less effective?
Believe it or not, the answer goes right back to our primitive brains and our basic survival instinct. It turns out that, like anxiety, the primordial function of negative self-talk is to protect us from harm. If our ancestors made a mistake that threatened their survival, there was value in remembering that mistake and scolding themselves for it. Think about it: You’re far less likely to repeat a mistake if you judge yourself harshly for it and feel ashamed for committing it. Over time, that self-scolding, self-shaming impulse grew stronger as evolution selected for it and it became encoded into our deep memory. Today it still shows up, even though the mistakes we make don’t often threaten our survival, and in fact, are usually trifling. Once again, it’s an evolutionarily adaptive response that in our modern context, has gone awry.
One of my guests this week, psychologist and self-compassion expert Dr. Kristin Neff explains that negative self-talk, which she refers to as the inner critic, “comes from a simple desire to stay safe.” It taps into the body’s fight, flight, or freeze response. Because making a mistake or failing at something feels threatening and scary to us, the brain launches an anxiety response, just as it would if we heard something go bump in the night. At that point, Neff said, “we either fight ourselves, thinking we can control the situation and be safe, or we flee in shame from the perceived judgments of others, or we freeze and get stuck in rumination. And these are all really natural ways we try to stay safe, so you might even say the motivation of the inner critic is a good one, even though the consequences are anything but.”
The shame we feel as a result of the inner critic’s words is especially pernicious, a huge factor in dysfunctional behaviors such as addiction, eating disorders, and suicidal ideation that ironically, actually do threaten our survival. And self-criticism doesn’t just hurt ourselves. When we’re criticizing ourselves and beating ourselves up, Neff explained, the stress hormone cortisol becomes elevated, and we have a shorter fuse with others. Further, because it’s very easy for people to pick up on each other’s internal mindsets, there’s a certain sense in which emotions are contagious. If you’re grumpy and agitated and stressed, your team is more likely to be grumpy and agitated and stressed. When that’s our mindset, Neff says, we’re not as patient, not as effective, and we’re simply not as present, because shame and self-criticism are actually “incredibly self-absorbed states.”
So how do we get ourselves out of the downward spiral of negative self-talk, anxiety, shame, and the maladaptive behaviors we turn to in an attempt to quiet the inner critic? One powerful way is to practice self-compassion.
So many of us have become accustomed to the critical inner litany that plays on a loop.
Self compassion intentionally tells the loop: STOP!
Extending compassion to ourselves, especially when we’ve made a mistake or failed to reach a goal and feel like we’ve let others down, can feel counterintuitive or just plain wrong: Isn’t this exactly the time we should be criticizing ourselves, so we won’t make the same mistake again? And isn’t self-compassion tantamount to letting ourselves off the hook, or sweeping a problem under the rug?
On all counts, Neff’s research reveals quite the opposite.
Similar to the unreliable-narrator voice of anxiety, the self-critic, according to Neff, resists reality. It “somehow believes that perfection is possible if we just try hard enough,” she said. But the reality is, everyone makes mistakes, and perfection is an impossible standard with an ever-moving goal post. And while self-criticism can work as a short-term motivator, Neff said, “it works in the way corporal punishment works with children. It gets short-term compliance, but it causes a lot of long-term harm.”
Neither does self-criticism improve your performance. “When you have a lot of anxiety,” Neff explained, “it actually undermines your ability to perform at your best. If you have a lot of shame, shame actually shuts down our ability to learn and to grow.” It leads to depression and lack of motivation, which means it’s actually counterproductive. And rather than ignoring their mistakes or shortcomings, Neff’s research found that people who are more self-compassionate take more responsibility for their mistakes, are more conscientious, and more likely to apologize. Turns out that not practicing self-compassion backfires all around.
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Being an Inner Ally to Yourself at Work
This exercise is based upon Dr. Kristin Neff’s well known “Self-Compassion Break” exercise, and is modified slightly for use in the midst of a busy day at work.
Feel free to adapt this last statement to the situation. I once used this exercise after I’d blurted out a thoughtless comment in a meeting and couldn’t let go of the guilt and shame—even though the group immediately accepted my apology and laughed off my gaffe, saying it was no big deal. My self-compassion statement was “May I forgive myself.” At other times, it’s been a simple “May I be kind to myself.”
The exercise is effective because it evokes what Neff calls the three components of self-compassion when you need self-compassion most: mindful awareness rather than over-identification with your negative thoughts and feelings, common humanity rather than isolation, and self-kindness rather than self-judgment.
For most of us, self-compassion will be an acquired skill, something we have to practice many times before we get into the habit. And that’s okay. Have compassion for yourself even as you’re learning self-compassion and keep your endgame in mind.
Self-compassion is not about letting yourself off the hook or being self-indulgent. It’s about learning to stand tall, approaching your work and your role as a leader with a clear-eyed, accurate stance. It’s about not getting hoodwinked and disempowered by the unreliable-narrator voice of anxiety, or the biased voice of the inner critic.
Because don’t forget: Buying into what the inner critic tells you does let you off the hook. If you believe you’re a fraud, that you’re incapable, that you don’t deserve to be here, that you’ll never be good enough...then you will sit down and not step into your role as a leader.
Be kind to yourself!
Morra
PS: I'm on vacation off the grid next week. I'll be with my family in the New Hampshire woods at family camp. Yup: singing songs, canoeing, sharing a cabin and beating my son at all manner of sporting activities :)
