Infidelity, or cheating, is one of the leading causes of relationship strain—with more than 60% of divorced couples citing infidelity as a reason for their divorce [1]. Engaging in physical or emotional intimacy with someone outside the relationship can breach trust and cause sometimes irreparable damage to a relationship’s foundation.
If you’ve experienced infidelity, either as the person who was cheated on or as the one who was unfaithful, you may be looking for a better understanding of what happened—Why do people cheat? And how can you recognize the signs?
Read on to learn more about why people cheat and how to navigate the consequences of infidelity in a relationship.
8 Reasons Why People Cheat
Cheating often breaches trust in a relationship unless both partners have agreed on alternative terms. Understanding why people cheat, however, may provide insight that can help you move forward, either together or separately. Here are a few factors to consider:
- Lack of fulfillment: Sometimes one partner may not feel completely satisfied in the relationship, whether emotionally, physically, or sexually. This can lead to seeking fulfillment outside the relationship.
- Emotional disconnect and/or emotional distance: If there is a breakdown in communication or emotional connection between partners, one may seek emotional support or intimacy elsewhere, even if they still love their partner
- Personal issues and insecurities: Personal issues, such as low self-esteem, fear of commitment, or unresolved trauma can lead individuals to seek out validation or excitement outside the relationship.
- Lack of commitment: Despite feeling love for their partner, some individuals may struggle with commitment or emotional vulnerability.
- Impulsivity, poor impulse control and mental health challenges which create struggles with impulse/decision making: Some individuals may struggle with making impulsive decisions, like controlling sexual desire, even if they genuinely love their partner.
- Monogamy isn’t right for them. Some people agree to monogamy due to societal expectations and partner preferences, but there are a number of alternative relationship structures to explore, like an open relationship or polyamory. Even if a person isn’t suited for monogamy, it’s their responsibility to educate themselves on ethical non-monogamy and to define the relationship they want with openness and honesty. Cheating is not a solution.
- Unresolved anger. Arguments are normal and natural in any relationship. But if not handled well, poor communication and unresolved conflict can lead to resentment and larger conflicts down the road. Anger and frustration can sometimes be an underlying reason why people cheat out.
- Narcissistic tendencies. Chronic cheating may indicate narcissism, as narcissists are self-centered, overly confident, and disparage others. Research shows that along with substance abuse, jealousy, and controlling behaviors, narcissistic personality is a strong predictor of infidelity, but addressing these issues through therapy can help achieve a successful monogamous relationship.
It is important to note that these reasons do not justify or excuse cheating— infidelity can cause significant harm. Open and honest communication, along with addressing any underlying issues, is crucial in maintaining a healthy and faithful relationship.
What Are the Signs of Cheating?
Some of the most common signs of cheating include patterns of dishonest or suspicious behavior (i.e. coming home late), lying, and a general lack of transparency.
Emotional detachment—including a noticeable decrease in emotional connection with your partner, less empathy or a lack of interest in your partner’s life or feelings—is another common sign of infidelity.
If you’re asking yourself, “Why do people cheat?” then it’s possible that you’re suspicious of your own partner. However, it is important to not jump to conclusions, and instead, truly hear from your partner what has been happening. Work together to address any underlying behaviors of dishonesty or withholding information, as this tends to break down trust and communication in the relationship and can lead to a breakup or divorce.
It is important to also note that these signs do not guarantee infidelity, and other factors or issues in the relationship could be responsible for these behaviors. If you suspect your partner to be cheating, have an open and honest communication with them to address the situation.
What is Micro-Cheating?
Micro-cheating can involve sharing secrets or intimate details with someone outside the relationship, prioritizing time with others over your partner, or not being honest about how you spend your personal time. While these behaviors aren’t always seen as infidelity, they can still damage a relationship and make a person feel like they aren’t being seen or heard. Because micro-cheating isn’t as explicit as more overt types of infidelity, like a physical affair, it may be easier for victims of micro-cheating to feel gaslighted by their partners, or to feel like they can’t quite put their finger on what is wrong in the relationship. To avoid micro-cheating, it’s important to have open and honest communication as well as to define boundaries within the relationship.
Why Do People Cheat When They’re in Love?
It is possible for a partner to cheat when in love. Relationships are complex and complicated, and there are many reasons why cheaters want to stay in relationships. It is possible to even fall in love with two different people at the same time and feel it is challenging to know what to do or how to address being pulled emotionally in two different directions.
Therefore, cheating does not necessarily reflect a lack of love for the current partner, but rather a breach of trust and a decision to seek intimacy or satisfaction outside the relationship.
Why Do People Cheat: What Is the Psychology Behind Infidelity?
There is no exact science or psychology behind why people cheat. As listed above, there are numerous factors, unique to each relationship, that may contribute to a partner’s choice to be unfaithful.
If you suspect your partner has been unfaithful, or if you are ready to disclose an act of infidelity to your partner, have an open and honest conversation. You may benefit from talking with a couples therapist about the underlying factors that led to cheating—a therapist may also help reveal deeper underlying issues at play.
If you decide that you can’t stay in the relationship, it’s not your obligation to do so.
Are Cheaters Mentally Ill?
No, cheaters are not necessarily mentally ill. Cheating is typically considered to be a behavior rather than a symptom of mental illness. While some individuals who engage in cheating may have underlying psychological issues, it is not accurate to classify all “cheaters” as mentally ill.
However, if an individual is compulsively cheating in a pattern or series, or is entirely without remorse, then it is important to look at signs of past trauma, possible mental illness (such as narcissistic personality disorder, sex addiction), or perhaps issues of substance use—where a person may be impulsively engaging in sexual behaviors or affairs due to the damage of substance use or addiction.
The Bottom Line
Infidelity is not a one-size-fits-all occurrence, and understanding why people cheat can be complicated. If infidelity has occurred in your relationship, explore various motivations like lack of fulfillment, emotional disconnect, personal insecurities, and impulsivity. By recognizing these factors together, you and your partner can gain insight into your relationship. You may want to seek the help of a couples therapist to begin addressing underlying issues and building a habit of open communication. Ultimately, cheating causes significant harm, and addressing issues honestly within the relationship is vital for trust and healing.
