New parenthood comes with so many questions—and the answers aren't usually black and white. One of the biggest, and perhaps one of the most divisive, questions is, "Can I hold my baby too much?" Parents often wonder if babies should get used to not being held or if it harms them not to be picked up.
When babies cry, parents are pretty much hard-wired to pick them up and soothe them. It's a biological imperative that it's hard to ignore. That said, real life and your own need for breaks can get in the way.
Searching for hard and fast rules to these types of parenting questions might be appealing, but there are many appropriate ways to parent. Ultimately, every family needs to determine what approach is right for them.
Of course, expert recommendations and scientific research can help to inform those decisions. Read on to learn more about what to do when your baby wants to be held all the time.
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Why Do Babies Want to be Held?
Newborns and young babies under 4 months old are in what some experts call the "fourth trimester." This 12-week period of time is usually focused on maternal changes as the body adjusts to life after pregnancy. But it's also a time of adjustment for your baby.
These early months are spent adapting to the world outside their gestational parent's body. During pregnancy, they were held close in a warm, safe environment, with lots of movement, where they could hear their parent's heartbeat.
After being born into a loud, cold, wide-open world, it takes some time for them to get used to their new reality—and figure out how to get their needs met. Sometimes, or often, they want that same close, warm, safe feeling they had when they were in the womb. Being held is as close as they can get to the comfort they're familiar with.
Additionally, research shows that physical touch has many benefits for babies, including:
- It is calming for babies
- It facilitates the parent-child bond
- It enhances an infant's immune function
- It facilitates social learning
Why Babies Cry
Being away from their safe spot (aka their parents and trusted caregivers) can be stressful for new babies. Crying is the way they convey that stress and ask to be held or have other needs met. In fact, crying is a baby's primary way to communicate with their caregiver says theAmerican Academy of Pediatrics(AAP). There are hunger cries, tired cries, and distress cries, to name a few. Figuring out the language of their cries is one of the main ways caregiverslearn about their baby's needsand personality.
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Can I Hold a Baby Too Much?
Whether to hold a baby every time they cry is one of the great parenting debates. Some people say, "Yes, absolutely, hold the baby!" While others are firmly in the "You'll spoil them" camp. According to Jennifer Shu, MD, a pediatrician and co-author of Heading Home With Your Newborn, it's a little complicated.
"It could be considered too much if it negatively impacts their physical development or safety," she explains. "For example, if over-holding limits the baby's chance to exercise and develop their muscles, that would be a negative impact. Also, prolonged sleep while holding could be a safety risk since sleeping flat in a bare crib or bassinet is recommended."
She adds that the myth that you can spoil a baby by holding them too much isn't quite so cut-and-dried either. Holding "can help build a sense of security and comfort. That said, if it becomes a habit to fall asleep while being held, some babies will have trouble learning how to fall asleep on their own."
However, parents aren't usually holding their children so much that they are impeding their development in any way. In fact, according to the AAP, responding to your child's distress builds a sense of trust and security. So, as a general rule, feel free to hold your baby as much as feels right to you.
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What If I Can't Hold My Baby When They Cry?
As much as you may want to, sometimes you just can't hold your baby when they want to be held. If you're cooking, tending to other children, taking a shower, or doing something that would make holding your baby unsafe, you might just have to let them fuss or cry in a safe space until you have a free arm. And that's fine, says Dr. Shu.
"It's fine to let babies cry sometimes, even if they want to be held, especially if the parent is not available. It can teach delayed gratification," she explains.
Plus, sometimes you just need a break, which is completely understandable and important to honor. Just be sure they are left in a safe place (such as their crib) and that a parent or caregiver is checking on them or there to talk to them and reassure them.
Remember that picking them up is just one possible solution to whatever is upsetting your child. When your baby cries, they likely want to be held, but they may also have other needs to address. Some different ways you can provide comfort include:
- Putting them in their bed for a nap
- Giving them a pacifier
- Using a swing
- Giving them a toy
- Playing music
- Taking them on a walk
- Bathing them
However, if you want to (and can) hold them, that is a perfectly fine option.
The Babywearing Compromise
One way to have the best of both worlds—a quiet, comfy baby and free arms—is to wear your baby in a sling, wrap, or carrier. "This can allow babies to be held while freeing the caregiver's arms," says Dr. Shu.
She notes that while babywearing can be a great option, it's essential to follow safety tips for babywearing. These include:
- Ensure the baby's airway is not compromised (avoid having their chin to their chest).
- You should be able to see your baby's eyes.
- Position them so their face is over the rim of the sling or carrier.
- If you nurse your baby in a sling, adjust their position afterward so their face is visible and clear of fabric.
In addition, make sure that you avoid use while cooking so your baby is not at risk of burns or sticking their fingers in the way of sharp knives. Dr. Shu notes that babywearing can also change the wearer's center of gravity, so it's important to be extra cautious to avoid a fall.
Key Takeaways
As long as your baby's essential needs are being met and you actively and lovingly engage them, how much or how little you hold them is entirely up to you. If you want to hold them, do. If you want to put them down, even if they cry, that's also fine. There is no perfect way to parent, nor is there an ideal amount of holding for your baby. Instead, follow your instincts and give yourself grace as you navigate life with a baby.
