What to do when an ex reaches out to you, according to experts (2024)

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Think about how it will affect you.

An interaction with an ex could offer closure or start a rekindled relationship. Before you respond, think about what you want out of the communication and how it could affect you.

"Know that you are under no obligation to respond," Meg Josephson, a social worker, told INSIDER. "Often, old relationships carry with them old wounds and unanswered questions. If you feel that making contact could bring this up for you and threaten your hard-earned happiness, take a pass! The amazing part of being out of the relationship is that you are only responsible for doing things that work for YOU, without regard to how it feels to them."

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If you're currently dating someone, you should consider their feelings.

If you're single, responding to your ex may seem like a no-brainer, but if you're in a new relationship, it's important to consider your new partner's feelings.

"If you are currently in a relationship, consider how your partner would react to knowing that you engaged in conversation," Josephson told INSIDER. "I also find it helps to imagine how you would feel if the roles were reversed and they were in contact with a long-gone ex. Nothing like a change in perspective to keep you from responding impulsively."

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Take your time responding.

You may feel the need to respond right away, but by slowing down, you can consider if you're actually ready to handle talking to them.

"You may have a strong emotional reaction if you hear from an ex you haven't spoken to in a long time, whether it be joy, sadness, or anger," Lindsey Pratt, a therapist in New York City who specializes in relationships, told INSIDER. "However, try to pause before replying — it will help you gather your thoughts and become less reactive in your reply. Keep in mind, too, that this may be the only reopened communication for a while, so being sure of how you want to respond is important.

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Keep your response light.

When crafting your response, you may be tempted to lay it all on the table, but experts told INSIDER it's better to keep things light and breezy at first — especially if you don't know what their intentions are.

"If your relationship was basically healthy and ended due to bad timing, different paths at the time, life events, etc., then being open to this contact could be a comfortable and right move," said Toni Coleman, a psychotherapist, relationship coach, and divorce mediator. "If so, keeping your response light and open-ended in order to get more information on why they are reaching out now, is the best move. This way you gather information before making any assumptions or saying anything you may regret later."

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Don't rush into a response, friendship, or rebound.

"If you plan on reconnecting with your ex, set clear boundaries on what you hope to achieve from rebuilding a friendship or relationship," said Marline Francois-Madden, a social worker and the CEO of Hearts Empowerment Counseling Center. "Don't allow your ex to make you feel guilty for setting boundaries and limitations on how you will interact with them. It is OK to let them know you are not interested in rebuilding again."

Be open and honest with them.

No matter how the conversation goes, be sure that you're open and honest from the get-go.

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Be careful of falling into a "yo-yo relationship."

A whirlwind romance may seem exciting in the moment, but don't get swept up in the idea of an on-again, off-again relationship.

"Our culture has romanticized the on-again, off-again relationship à la Ross and Rachel," Hayden Lindsey, therapist, told INSIDER. "Yet our best research shows that these yo-yo relationships have negative impacts on mental health and overall well-being. There are legitimate reasons to try again after a breakup, but if you constantly find yourself in this push-pull, neither of you are getting the kind of love and cherishing you deserve."

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If you do want to get back together, make sure there is a good reason.

If they've reached out and seem intent on getting back together, think about why your initial relationship failed.

"If an ex reaches out, there are certain scenarios where it would be completely appropriate to entertain the idea of getting back together," Erica Gordon, the founder of The Babe Report, told INSIDER. "If, for example, you broke up with them because you were going through a hard time due to personal reasons or health reasons, and you're in a much better place now, it would be more than OK to agree to meet up with your ex. Perhaps your healthier state of mind will allow for a relationship to work out this time around."

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Think about if you're leading them on.

If they want to get back together with you and you don't feel the same way, make that clear so you don't hurt them.

"There's also a chance that you don't care about your ex anymore and your ex cares about you. In that case, any type of communication can send the impression that your ex has a chance," Benjamin Ritter, the founder of Live for Yourself ConsultingandThe Breakup Supplement,told INSIDER. "If you have an ex that still wants a relationship with you, then you need to pull back any engagement with that person, especially if you are dating someone else."

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Don't expect the magic of "closure."

One of the most common reasons for reconnecting with an ex is "closure," but few people actually get it when talking to their ex.

"You realize that you will rarely get the 'closure' (the holy grail) that people speak of," Meg Josephson told INSIDER. "The only one who can give you closure is yourself, and time. People have a whole host of reasons for wanting to get in touch with an ex, and sometimes, they don't even fully understand why they themselves are reaching out."

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