You wouldn’t think there would be any benefits to being a victim or perpetuating a victim mentality would you?
It would seem too terrible to be a victim, so much so that we’d all want to avoid it. Yet, I’m sure we all know people who felt very comfortable wearing the mantle of victim instead of taking responsibility for all parts of their lives. It is one of the scariest things to do in life, so many different fears attached!
Some people discover there is a great benefit to remaining a life-long victim when ANYTHING happens in their lives: they can absolve themselves of all blame or responsibility, plus for some, the sympathy they get from others provides the inner validation they need. If someone is lonely, it would be quite difficult for them to want to make the change, and when they receive the emotional benefits the thought of living without it would be enough to keep them firmly in victim mode.
I was no different than many people who lived with a victim mentality; up to my early to mid thirties, I saw myself more in victim terms than being able to captain my own ship, and this took the shape of seeing myself as a loser, someone whom the universe didn’t choose to bless but instead heap trials and difficulties onto.
My mother not only was my abuser into adulthood which no doubt created that inner landscape due to a constantly shattered self-image, but the 2 churches I was in (very cult-like) that taught me that God was very displeased with me and gave me all those troubles. It was only after I left the 2nd church and went low-to-no contact with my mother that I was able to develop a better self-identity than that of constant loser who could never please people or God, no matter how hard I tried.
I became a Martyr in my efforts to please, and so my identity gained self-worth by striving to please. I had a difficult time seeing that victimhood and martyrdom are very closely intertwined, because it FELT like I was taking control of my life by becoming a wonderful Martyr!
I didn’t see then how reactionary it was to what I had gone through, how unhealthy it was for my mental and physical health, or how very-co-dependent I was. When I first learned about the concepts of the two, I honestly felt very gutted, misunderstood and blamed!
I felt SHAME in not having achieved a high level of Martyrdom that all would see it as a wonderful attribute, and sing my praises! I was hurt and insulted at the thought that I could be damaged and might need healing, because it had already taken so much mental energy to just pull myself together each time and to wrap myself in emotional bandages just to get through life.
What MORE was I supposed to do, I pleaded and prayed to the universe!
It took over a year, almost 2 years of deep inner work, gut-wrenching because I spiraled down many depressed rabbit-holes where I blamed myself for not being good enough, before I was able to look more objectively at myself and how I could help myself.
Even a few years after I had done all that gut wrenching work, I keep checking in with myself on a regular basis to make sure that I don’t slip back into any old thoughts. It does become easier with time, only because I consistently kept putting in the work. There were so many times I wanted to quit on myself because it felt too hard to do, but it was becoming more and more difficult to remain as I was since the rewards were not there, having slowly slipped away.
The journey is difficult, there’s a lot of self doubt. It feels like there’s no progress for a long time, probably because when I was taking all those baby steps and kept repeating them, it didn’t feel like much was happening, when in reality my brain was slowly becoming rewired.
I woke up one day realizing that I had somehow popped out the other side, the hard work was done and I needed to switch to maintenance mode, which gets easier with time. I’m going to need to do this for the rest of my life, but it has become a joyous work now, something that I love doing.
Maintenance work involves different types of self care, to keep the mind, body and spirit healthy and strong. Even very recently I took 2 to 3 weeks at a slower pace to be able to focus on restoring my emotions after a family situation had boiled over. It hasn’t been resolved satisfactorily, so there may well be more inner work coming up.
I found that the way up and out of the mindset to be challenging and have written about how taking baby steps where we try one little new thing at a time to be much more helpful that trying to do a massive overhaul all at once. As anyone who had tried the second approach, we will all be able to attest that it is just too much for the body, mind and spirit to be able to absorb, and so it doesn’t usually “stick”.
CRISBIECOACH speaks of this in her post Unlocking Freedom: A Small Guide to Letting Go of Your Past and her advice inspired this post.
“Transition from Victim to Protagonist: Cease the role of a passive victim and step into the active role of the protagonist in your life’s narrative. Empower yourself by taking control of your reactions and choices. Recognize that while you may not control external events, you have the power to shape your responses and determine the direction of your journey.
CRISBIECOACH in her post “Unlocking Freedom: A Small Guide to Letting Go of Your Past“
Troy Headrick had commented “Too many of us collect grievances, don’t we?” This is so true isn’t it?
I like Troy how worded that too many of us collect grievances. Ties into the quote “Transition from Victim to Protagonist: Cease the role of a passive victim and step into the active role of the protagonist in your life’s narrative.”
Until we become sick of seeing ourselves always in the victim role, we will relish collecting those grievances, for they validate the victimhood! Becoming a protagonist in our lives means we give up seeking pity or constant sympathy for others, and instead learn from our experiences and move forward, which is difficult and scary for many!
One of the skills that help a person to move from victim to protagonist mentality is to develop problem-solving skills. Here’s an article on LinkedIn that gives some great pointers. “How can problem-solving skills boost your gratitude and appreciation?” It mentions how problem-solving skills can boost our gratitude and appreciation. Here are some thoughts I shared:
For many who have come out of abuse, problem-solving skills have been minimized, so developing these skills are important to recovery and to be able to move forward in life. Even small problems can seem insurmountable, so they get shoved to the side and ignored. This of course is disastrous on a job or in a relationship, so starting small and building these skills is crucial.
One wouldn’t think these skills are connected to feeling gratitude and appreciation, but when our ability to solve even small problems in our lives becomes apparent to us, we tend to feel despair and depression that we have the power to make anything better in our life. Developing these problem-solving skills is mentally affirming that we don’t have to stay a victim, but we can move beyond that.
When a person comes from a critical or abusive background, their problem-solving skills get devalued, even mocked, for their abuser doesn’t wish for them to leave the situation. If you are someone who has emerged from that kind of life situation, re-discovering and trusting your problem-solving skills becomes an important part of learning to move from victimhood into becoming the protagonist in your life. When we successfully solve problems, we build our self-confidence to be able to handle life. This leads to a more positive emotional outlook instead of feeling gloomy and helps us to be more successful in our jobs and relationships. When we choose gratitude, we can then accept we have things to be grateful for instead of dismissing it.
If you have found yourself reflected in these words and seek to change your life, please be patient and kind with yourself. A slow and steady approach is what I recommend. I’ve listed some posts below that can help you on this journey.
Wishing you well on this journey! Please let me know how it goes!
Here are some helpful links for affirmations:
- 20 Wayne Dyer Quotes to live by
- 5 Daily Reminders: Say these to yourself in front of a mirror!
- Affirmation: Today is a new day! I can do this!
- Always believe that wonderful things can happen!
- Things are being worked out for the best!
- Right now there are…
- Do all that you can… the universe loves each of us and is working things out on our behalf!
- Remind yourself that you did the best you could today
Here are more helpful links to get positivity rolling in your life:
- Types of self-care and how to incorporate them into your life
- Do you only accept yourself if you look a certain way?
- A new you! Is this possible?
- Anxiety – dealing with the shoulds and coulds…
- A helpful trick to be able to overcome negatively Comparing Ourselves to others…
- Your emotions: the quiet lazy River or the roller coaster?
- 10 Steps to Owning Our Happiness
- Setting “Boundaries with consequences”
- Red Ocean or Blue Ocean? How do you think?
- Making a change… “How do I take that first step?”
- An answer to dealing with the Inner Critic!
- “What if it really were up to me? Could I do it?”
- Teaching ourselves to like, even to love ourselves is the best gift we can give ourselves!
- 5 Things to quit RIGHT NOW!
- By changing our inner dialogue, we change EVERYTHING!
- Even after a setback or negative experience, we can create a “reset” button in our minds!
Merch: click on each to see available items
Blessings!
Thank you for liking, sharing this post and for following me!
Tamara
I hope you’ll poke around my Archived Posts Main page divided up into 3 sub-pages: Mental Health and Rewiring the Brain || Healing and Developing Ourselves || Positive thoughts and Affirmations to find a wonderful trove of supportive and encouraging posts!
https://tamarakulish.com/
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