They say that life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it. Mental health challenges exist because people have not learned how to manage stress. We see it across the country. In 2020, there were1.2M suicide attempts,10M instances of intimate partner violence, and20,000 Americans were killed by gun violence.
From birth to the end stages of life, humans have the capacity to experience amazing things; yet many of us share one or more of these statistics. When we experience a traumatic event, it influences the way we react to any type of stress in the future.
My first memory of childhood is being sexually abused as a toddler. My last memory of childhood is being physically assaulted by a parent trying to move out after finishing high school. In between those memories are times when my mother tried to stab my father, my cousin was shot in a drive-by, another cousin went to jail, our house was vandalized with swastikas, and I was shot at with a gun.
As you can probably imagine my reactions to stress throughout the years has not been very healthy. I’ve damaged my health, jobs, and relationships. At one point I weighed almost 300 pounds, missed out on celebrations, and been through difficult breakups. I had 3 children by 22, and my inexperience led to my own parenting struggles. I would have been able to avoid most of life’s more difficult lessons had I experienced fewer moments of trauma.
I turned 38 this weekend and for the past 2 decades I’ve worked on 2 things 1) understanding why and 2) how I can heal.
The “why” question was much easier to answer than the healing question. My stress was generational stress. In other words, my abusers were abused themselves. “Children are to be seen – not heard”. This constant theme of generational parenting meant that none of us ever had an opportunity to talk about or say “no” to the abuse that was happening in real-time.
Where does one find light in the darkness? How could I heal? For these answers, I had to do a lot of research. What I found was interesting.
In 1780, John Adams, the 2ndU.S. Presidentsaid:
“I must study politics and war that my sons may have liberty to study mathematics and philosophy in order to give their children a right to study painting, poetry, music, architecture, statuary, tapestry, and porcelain.”
More than 200 years ago, it was understood that a parent’s ability to remove stress from their children’s lives would allow them to focus on a human experience of creation rather than conflict.
Considering the sixth President of the U.S. was John Adam’s oldest son, John Quincy Adams, it made me wonder how long a parent should have to study politics and war before giving their children the liberty to pursue their dreams. It’s been 242 years, and from where I’m sitting, we still have an overwhelming focus on the stress of politics and war.
To me, the reason for this is simple: American culture is individualistic vs collective.
We’ve all heard it… or maybe we’ve told someone else:
When we impose a survival mentality onto children and adults it creates stress and trauma. Some people would have you think that you are on your own in life, and that success is based on how much effort you put in. I’d argue that success in school, work, and relationships is all about how someone manages stress in these environments. It’s impossible to pull yourselves up by the bootstraps if you don’t have boots or straps. To maintain a culture of rugged individualism, Americans are making an intentional choice to perpetuate generational trauma.
By teaching them how to respond to stress, parents and guardians help children form bootstraps as they grow.Harvard University Center on the Developing Childdescribes three degrees of stress:
Children don’t know which stressor belongs in which bucket until someone shows them. What happens when a parent or guardian can’t handle stress? How will that affect the child? What if stress go unmanaged, at scale, for more than 200 years? Based on the statistics, we have answers to all these questions and there is an undeniable stress management crisis in the U.S.
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When stress rises to toxic levels, the conditions become ripe for adverse childhood experiences. According to theCDC, Adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) are categorized into three groups: abuse, neglect, and household challenges. The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) study was conducted by Kaiser Permanente from 1995 to 1997. 17,000 individuals completed confidential surveys regarding their childhood experiences and current health status and behaviors. Take the quiz and check your ACE scorehere.
When children experience these traumas the likelihood for adverse health problems later in life is much greater.
For example, having an ACE score of 4 increases the risk of lung diseases by almost 400 percent, and suicide risk by 1,200 percent. If you have an ACE score of greater than 6 you are at higher are at risk of your lifespan being shortened by as much as 20 years.
My ACE score is 9.
Prevent Child Abuse Arizonareportsthat Positive Childhood Experiences (PCEs) are experiences in childhood that build a child’s sense of belongingness and connection. PCEs also help buffer the negative effects of Adverse Childhood Experiences.
The list of Positive Childhood Experiences (PCEs) are:
While home life was difficult, I had family and adults outside of my home which helped me develop a foundation for healing. Scout leaders helped me earn my Eagle Scout Award. Church leaders taught me public speaking. Teachers helped me hone my grief into achievement and I finished high school as Valedictorian. This foundation allowed me to feel vulnerable enough to seek therapy for my ACEs, build friendships, and start a business.
My situation is not unique. There are more than 400,000 children in foster care due to ACEs. There are middle-income families with ACEs. There are high-net-worth families with ACEs.
Without community, I am afraid to think about where I would be today. I am thankful to those who have given me as many chances as I needed to find my path to calm reactions under pressure. While I’m not always perfect, I work every day to reduce stress within my circle of influence. I am thankful to those who continue to help me navigate new stresses that I am choosing to bring into my life – like parenting adult children and running a business.
It takes a village to raise a child and we all live in the same village. I firmly believe it is my Positive Childhood Experiences with the community that helped me reduce my stress. In turn, this has allowed me to focus on scaling reductions in stress to others as aCourt Appointed Special Advocate (CASA),Impact Maker Volunteer with Valley Leadership,Board Director for Prevent Child Abuse Arizona, and for those who travel withOZZI.
The effects of mental health are felt by everyone. Because we choose a cultural of rugged individualism, we are United in Grief.
Think about your ACEs. Think about your PCEs.
Ask yourself: How am I healing myself? How am I supporting those around me?
I was afraid to share my experience, but I want to stop the cycle. Create spaces for people to share. Validate someone’s stress today. Let’s create a nation United in Healing.
If you’re interested in learning more about volunteer opportunities in the community or want to discuss a path to seek help, please drop me a DM. I’d love to hear from you.
