The 5 types of people narcissists are attracted to, according to relationship experts (2024)

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Sometimes, with narcissists, like attracts like

Psychiatrist Dr. Grant Brenner told Insider that, while it is important not to generalize, people with pathological narcissism often unconsciously select partners who reflect aspects of who they are or would like to be.

"They can pick people who either capture the best or the worst of themselves, often both, leading to problematic relationships characterized by a lack of intimacy and avoidance of intimacy," he said.

People with narcissism often cluster with people who have other "Dark Triad" traits — colloquially, these people are known as sad*sts, narcissists, psychopaths, and sociopaths.

It also depends on the type of narcissist, Brenner said. Vulnerable narcissists, who are self-conscious and hypersensitive to rejection, tend to be attracted to people with similar insecurities, "leading to more emotionally distressing relationships."

Grandiose narcissists, on the other hand, have an inflated sense of self-importance, and seek people who enhance their own image, Brenner said.

"This may lead to less connected relationships, with people who are essentially accessories," he said.

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They like people who are strong

A common misconception is that narcissists go for the weak, because they are easier to manipulate. In fact, narcissists prefer to target someone who is strong-willed, and who has talents or characteristics they admire, because they believe it makes them shine too.

"Narcissists are drawn to those who can boost their own self-esteem and validate their sense of importance," Wasser told Insider. "Being associated with someone who is successful or admired can make the narcissist feel more important by proxy."

However, according to Shannon Thomas, the author of the book "Healing from Hidden Abuse," whatever strength a narcissist zeros in on, "they turn that around and destroy it" because it makes them feel powerful to tear down someone strong.

"If the survivor is doing things on their own and is moving forward in life, building wealth, or financial stability, somebody will absolutely target that," Thomas told Insider. "Not just to use it but to take it away. If they have a good friend group, if they are social, that's another huge shiny sparkly item that an abuser would want to destroy."

A subtype of narcissists called closet narcissists may go for certain types of people and try to dismantle them as a reflection of their own low self-esteem. But for others, the joy comes from causing chaos.

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They also chase people who have vulnerabilities

According to psychotherapist Karen Arluck, who was answeringa post on Quora, most people with narcissistic personality disorder want to know their schemes are likely to work.

They tend to like people who validate their feelings, overlook their flaws, and want someone who isn't likely to leave them during the narcissistic abuse.

So while the narcissist will target people who will make them look good, they also look for chinks in their armor which mean they blame themselves for abuse. These could be people who have trauma in their past, have had a string of bad relationships, or have an attachment style that makes them vulnerable.

"Of course, many narcissists are chasing a unicorn, that often does not exist," Arluck wrote.

"They tend to have unrealistic expectations for their partner, as well as unstable object constancy, which frequently leads them to being unhappy in relationships once the initial sparkle has worn off, and their partner shows their more human and flawed sides."

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Type A people are also attractive to narcissists

Type A people are the go-getters in life. They have many strengths, like being inspirational and pushing others to succeed. But their traits can also make type A people targets for narcissists.

According to psychologist and dark-personality expert Perpetua Neo, this is because they tend to want to give somebody more than they receive.

"Someone who is extremely type A with a problem receiving will say no to any favours, no matter how small," Neo said. "This is really good bait for the narcissist, because narcissists tend to be freeloaders."

Type As are usually very logical by nature and try to find an explanation for everything, so this can end up in a "perfect storm" of a toxic relationship with a narcissist, Neo said.

"They tend to want to understand the cause, for instance, 'why is my partner so impulsive, or why does my partner get into a rage or drink so much?" she said.

"But the problem is the person themselves. You'll never know the real cause because they're going to keep moving the goal posts, and you're too busy with their smoke and mirrors to realize the problem is the narcissist."

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So are highly empathetic people

Empaths and narcissists are often drawn to each other,because empaths have a lot of compassion and understanding to give, while narcissists thrive on someone worshipping them.

Judith Orloff, a psychiatrist and author of "The Empath's Survival Guide," told Insiderthat people with high levels of empathy end up blaming themselves, so put more and more into the relationship, even though they're getting nothing back.

This dynamic suits a narcissist just fine, because as their mask starts to slip, their partner puts more and more effort into making things right.

"It's so hard for many empaths to believe that somebody just doesn't have empathy, and that they can't heal the other person with their love," Orloff said.

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It's all about control

More often than not, a relationship with a narcissist is all about control. If they feel they have power over their partner, a narcissist will see the relationship as successful.

"I think it's more just like entertainment sometimes, and control to be able to take someone who had this really great life and be part of watching them fall," Thomas said. "That journey is what makes it diabolical, and it's why they enjoy it."

This piece was originally published in August 2018, but has been updated to include more experts and information.