Regret—that stomach-churning feeling that the present would be better and the future brighter if only you hadn’t chosen so poorly, decided so wrongly, or acted so stupidly in the past. Regret can be painful, of course. But this emotion is not dangerous or abnormal, a deviation from the steady path to happiness. It is healthy and universal, an integral part of being human.
Regret is also valuable. It clarifies. It instructs. And that is not some gauzy daydream. That is what scientists have concluded in research that began more than a half-century ago. In fact, the research can be distilled into two conclusions: Regret makes us human. Regret makes us better.
A few years ago, I conducted two extensive research projects of my own. Working with a small team of survey research experts, we designed and carried out the largest quantitative analysis of American attitudes about regret ever conducted: The American Regret Project. We also launched a website, the World Regret Survey (worldregretsurvey.com), that has now collected more than 26,000 regrets from people in 134 countries.
I found that nearly all regrets fall into four core categories—foundation regrets, boldness regrets, moral regrets, and connection regrets.
- Foundation regrets. Many of our education, finance, and health regrets are expressions of the same core regret: our failure to be responsible, conscientious, or prudent. Our lives require some basic level of stability. Yet sometimes our individual choices undermine this long-term need. We overspend and undersave. We adopt unhealthy habits. When such decisions cause our futures not to live up to our hopes, regret follows.
- Boldness regrets. One of the most robust findings in the academic research, and my own, is that over time, we are much more likely to regret the chances we didn’t take than the chances we did. What haunts us is the inaction itself.
- Moral regrets. Most of us want to be good people. Yet we often face choices that tempt us to take the low road. When we behave poorly, or compromise our belief in our own goodness, regret can build and then persist.
- Connection regrets. Our actions give our lives direction. But other people give those lives purpose. A massive number of human regrets stem from our failure to recognize and honor this principle.
Our everyday lives consist of hundreds of decisions—some of them crucial to our well-being, many of them inconsequential. Understanding the difference can make all the difference. If we know what we truly regret, we know what we truly value. Regret—that maddening, perplexing, undeniably real emotion—points the way to a life well lived.
The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward
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Excerpted from The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward, by Daniel H. Pink, copyright © 2022 by Daniel H. Pink. Used by permission of Riverhead, an imprint of Penguin Publishing Group, a division of Penguin Random House LLC. All rights reserved.
