Stuck in a relationship you can’t afford to leave? How to take action (2024)

Nearly 60% of people say the cost-of-living crisis has negatively impacted their relationship – with 30% admitting they’re only staying with their partner because they fear “not being able to afford living alone”, according to a new survey.

Stowe Family Law quizzed 500 people across the UK aged between 25-74, and Niamh McCarthy, a lawyer with the firm, says their inquiry rates soared during 2022.

“However, many couples are deciding not to go ahead with a divorce in the current climate,” McCarthy adds, noting many people she’s talked to “have been putting it off due to financial worries – most notably concerns about not being able to afford to live alone”.

The situation can apply to unmarried couples living together too, whether or not there’s a mortgage and children involved. So what can you do about it?

Keeping hold of financial independence

Lots of couples eventually combine their finances. There may be an element of necessity here – but no matter how committed you are, it’s healthy to maintain some financial independence.

“While you might have a joint account, it’s important to remain financially independent – so you and your partner are both prepared for life’s unexpected costs or changes to your relationship. This will also mean you’re not beholden to someone else, and have the freedom to move forward in life without restrictive financial ties,” says Emma-Lou Montgomery, associate director at Fidelity International (fidelity.co.uk).

“Having control of your own finances means you can adapt to changing circ*mstances, tackle challenges head-on, and also seize any opportunities to shape the life you want.”

Gemma Bird, AKA Instagram’s ‘Money Mum’ and author of Save Yourself Happy (@moneymumofficial), suggests couples should “be honest” from the start that they intend to maintain their own savings accounts. “Be sure to put a bit of money aside every month,” she says. “Review it regularly – would it be enough to cover rent/mortgage and bills, or for you to move out and find new accommodation if the relationship broke down?”

And while one person may take a more active role with household bills, it’s never a good idea to be completely in the dark on this stuff. “Even if you don’t pay the bills, be aware of them,” says Bird. “Ensure there is a spreadsheet with details of outgoings and service providers.”

One step at a time

This advice will help prevent anyone from feeling stuck in a relationship they can’t afford to leave. But what if you’re already in that situation?

“The higher cost-of-living, and factors like joint mortgages or job security, could be real deterrents for those looking to end a relationship, particularly if one partner is financially reliant on the other and there are children to consider,” Montgomery acknowledges.

It’s easy to feel overwhelmed – but breaking it down into small steps could help you get going.

“The first step is making sure you’re clear on what you’ve got saved today, and if you’ll still have enough for ‘tomorrow’. This is where money management apps come in handy – installing an app that gives you real time information about your savings and spending habits will immediately improve your awareness of your personal finances,” says Montgomery.

“Then start to map out your expected incomings vs outgoings for the next six to 12 months ahead, and you can start to form a budget which may factor in expenses like rent, or income from selling a property.”

Bird suggests taking action where you can – even if it’s small. “Start making cutbacks – get rid of subscriptions you don’t need, sell any clothing or items you no longer wear or use, and start putting aside some money,” she says. “Pay down any debts with high interest rates ASAP and if you are looking to rent or buy again, check your credit rating.”

Think about your long-term happiness

Breakups are tough and when financial fears are keeping you stuck, moving on might involve some short-term compromises. Talk through your options with your partner/ex, as well as trusted friends and relatives if you can – as well as helping you get clear on things, they may be able to offer helpful advice or solutions.

“If you own a home together, can you both rent it out and share any profits to help pay your rent? [Or] one person could stay and rent out a room in the home to help cover mortgage payments,” suggests Bird.

“Even if you have to rent a room in someone else’s house or stay with friends for the short-term, happiness and your mental health is worth more [than staying in a relationship you don’t want to be in].”

Montgomery says once you’ve mapped out your income and bills, “From here it will be clear if you need a few months staying with friends or family to start building a savings pot, or if a house share would fit with your budget. Sometimes people will need to make compromises to put themselves in a better position overall and for the long-term,” she adds.

Reclaiming control

Certified financial coach Philly Ponniah (phillyfinancial.co.uk) says this situation can be particularly tough for parents if there’s a financial imbalance – due to one person staying on at work, while the other took longer leave or reduced hours to focus on childcare. “It can be very daunting, not knowing where to start,” says Ponniah. “I recommend Citizen’s Advice or Advice Now, as they provide accessible resources and services, as well as the relationship charity Relate.”

Find out what financial support you may be entitled to. Ponniah also suggests it may be “a good idea to speak to a solicitor to draw up agreements, which can be more affordable through Advice Now’s team up with Resolution. The higher earner will have to provide financial support ‘spousal maintenance’.”

She says finding someone to talk to is important, whether that’s a counsellor or someone close to you. As well as all the practical upheaval involved, there can be a lot of emotion in the mix.

“People can be hesitant to leave a partner, sometimes because they don’t want to repeat something that happened to them, if their parents separated. Or they have the fear of financial struggle that they won’t be able to find anywhere to live or afford bills,” says Ponniah. “Deep feelings of shame and guilt can surface, along with underlying beliefs that they aren’t deserving. I would always suggest having someone to talk to, to help them through these situations.”

And remember – as daunting as it feels now: “Going it alone is hard,” says Bird. “But it’s also a fantastic opportunity to believe in yourself.”