As a wife, you have more power than you might realize to either build up your man or to tear him down. Your words, your actions, and even your tone can bring out the very best in him. In our work with couples from all over the world, my wife Ashley and I have discovered seven specific actions that bring out the best in a husband when these are consistently prioritized by the wife.
If you want to bring out the very best in your man, consistently do these seven things (in no particular order)…
1. Be his biggest ENCOURAGER; not his biggest critic.
The tone of your words to him can shape how he sees himself. Be a cheerleader for all he’s doing right and not just a criticizer of all he’s doing wrong. Your encouragement has the power to fuel his passions and give him the courage he didn’t know he had to reach new heights. Your criticism can take the wind right out of his sails and make him want to give up hope. I’m not saying you can never point out something he’s doing wrong (spouses need to have very honest and sometimes difficult conversations) BUT the overall tone must be one of encouragement. It will bring out the best in him.
#2 might change how you communicate with him…
2. Be CLEAR and direct with what you need from him and THANK him when he does it.
Don’t rely on your non-verbals to communicate what you’re thinking and feeling. Tell him. Be specific and direct, but do it with a tone of appreciation for his efforts.. If there’s something you need from him, tell him clearly and then encourage him as he’s doing it and thank him when he completes it. Your clarity in communication combined with your gratitude for him while he’s doing it will keep him motivated to keep being at his best for you. If he feels like your needs or desires are always unspoken, unclear or unappreciated, he’ll lose hope. Clarity will help bring out his best.
#3 might be (to him) the most important item on this list…
3. Initiate SEX.
In a nutshell, just know that sex is probably your husband’s biggest need both emotionally and physically. If he’s like the majority of men, he’s likely to rate the health of the marriage in large part on the frequency of your love-making. When you initiate sex, it is a huge boost to his confidence. When he’s consistently denied sex, it might become the greatest source of discouragement to him.
#4 is important for multiple reasons...
4. Pray for him.
Prayer is a powerful tool to simultaneously build a stronger faith and a stronger marriage. First off, when you’re praying for someone, God has a way of softening your heart towards that person. It is difficult to remain mad at someone you’re praying for. Secondly, God often uses our prayers to change our own perspective on a situation. Finally, I believe that God can use prayers to supernaturally make a difference in a situation when nothing else seems to be working. Pray for your husband. You might be the only person in his life who is praying for him.
#5 might sound like a chore, but you’ll probably enjoy it more than you realize…
5. Take a genuine interest in his interests.
Your husband wants you to be his best friend. He wants to share experiences and adventures with you. He wants to be able to connect with you. Even if his interests or hobbies seem totally opposite of yours, when you take a genuine interest in his favorite sports team or activity, it will provide another way of connecting with him. He will also be more likely to want to connect with you in your hobbies or interests.
#6 might change how to talk about him to your friends or on social media…
6. Brag about him; don't nag about him.
It can be toxic to vent about a spouse to friends or online. Neurological research has suggested that venting, nagging or complaining can actually rewire our thought process toward more negativity. In other words, negative thoughts and negative talk lead to more negativity. It does NOT lead to solutions. Even if your husband isn't there to hear what you're saying, it will eventually have a negative impact on your marriage. Respect your spouse at all times by how you talk to him AND how you talk about him.
#7 could be the most important item on the list…
7. Never give up on him!
If he knows you believe in him and you’ll be with him to the end, no matter what, he will feel like he can conquer the world. If he feels like your loyalty is fickle or based on his performance, he might always lack the confidence and courage he needs. Reaffirm your commitment to him often. Tell him often how much you love him and how much you believe in him. Your words and your actions have the power to make him a better man and a better husband.
