When you spend aninordinate amount of time with someone, like aromantic partner, you’re bound to sometimes find them annoying. These frustrations might manifest over small things (never taking the bins out), or they might stem from bigger, maybe more fundamental issues (thinking Brexit means Brexit). Amid this whirlwind of potential annoyances, there’ll be times when you and your partner willargue more than usual – something that’s miserable, sure, but also easy to unnecessarily catastrophise.
To make you feel better, we refer you tothis video currently doing the rounds onTikTok that dissects the supposed five stages of arelationship, from the ‘honeymoon’ phase through conflict and all the way to enduringlove. As per these stages, once the initial infatuation you had for your partner begins to wear off, you both start to see each other with fresh eyes – and you might not like everything you see. This, in turn, often leads to a crisis period, in which you may find yourselvesarguing a lot. While some couples will then fight their way to a break-up, others get through it and move onto the next relationship phases: resolution and long-term commitment.
Although these phases are malleable, and have different names depending on where you source them, the takeaway is the same: that it’s totally normal to argue with your partner, even practically non-stop for a while.
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“How much conflict you have is not a sign of your compatibility or the health of your relationship,” says relationship therapistCatherine Topham Sly. “Disagreements are actually a sign of a healthy relationship where both partners are able to feel and think for themselves, and express their thoughts and opinions freely.”
Still, just because it’s usually perfectly normal, that doesn’t mean it feels good. Arguing a lot can make for an unhappy relationship – even if temporarily – which can have a negative effect in your wider life, including at work, in other relationships, and even on your sleep. So, if you’re determined to curb your feuding, it’s first worth identifying what you’re actually arguing about.
Sly citeschores and mess,money,sex,food,work andtime off,family and other relationships,parenting, andsleep as the most common topics that couples argue over, but adds that arguments about one thing could very easily be about something else. “Couples therapy researcher Howard Markman identified how most fights are about power and control, care and closeness, or respect and recognition,” she says. “To identify the true source of arguments, it’s helpful to consider those areas while focusing on what feelings are not getting honoured, what needs are not getting met, and what values feel under threat – essentially, why does this issue feel so important?”
Having an analytical approach to your arguments might also help you have more awareness of the cycles you and your partner get drawn into, which may then make it easier to interrupt them. “When your partner does something that bothers you – or afterwards if you don’t manage it in the moment – stop and reflect on how you’re feeling,” says Sly. “Notice what’s going on in your body, and label the emotion if you can. Then ask yourself what meaning you’re making of what’s happening. What do you imagine this situation means about how your partner sees you, or how they feel about your relationship? Then notice what you tend to do next: perhaps you fight back, maybe you withdraw. The best way to break the cycle is usually to pause, calm yourself down, and interrupt that reaction. Once you’re both calm, tell your partner what you’ve realised about what you were thinking and feeling in the moment before you reacted, or usually would react.”
The latter – communicating reflectively with your partner – is especially important, including admitting if you were wrong, reacted rashly, or said something you didn’t mean in the heat of the moment. Learning to self-reflect and take some time out to soothe yourself during an argument is also helpful – though, admittedly, not easy. Instead, taking a minutebefore reacting to something can help you approach it more calmly.
