At a Glance
While there are psychological benefits to forgiveness, you don't have to forgive someone who has hurt you. There are times when it's fine to not forgive someone. It's also important to understand what it means to forgive someone as well as what forgiveness is not.
Most people learn about forgiveness early in life. When you were a child, maybe a friend was mean to you. They said they were sorry, and you easily forgave them and went back to playing together. But later in life, forgiveness can be more complex. As adults, we may struggle to forgive others and let go when they have hurt us.
Let’s talk about what forgiveness is, what it’s not, and when it's OK to not forgive someone.
What Is Forgiveness?
In its most basic sense, forgiveness means that you are choosing to let go of negative feelings you have about something hurtful that someone did to you. Forgiveness can be hard to define, but many great minds have tried.
For example, Joanna North, a philosophy professor at the University of London, described the idea behind forgiveness in her book, "Wrongdoing and Forgiveness:"
"The value of forgiveness lies in the fact that it essentially requires a recognition of the wrongdoer's responsibility for his action, and secondly, that forgiveness typically involves anefforton the part of the one wronged: a conscious attempt to improveoneselfin relation to the wrongdoer."
If you’re familiar with the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), Step 9 of the 12 steps in AAis another way to think about forgiveness. Step 9 is making amends. While AA is clear that this step is rooted in action and not just apologizing, the description succinctly states why asking for forgiveness is important:
"Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."
AA suggests that to make spiritual progress, a person must attempt to make amends, but notes that people should not "buy our own peace of mind at the expense of others." While this quote relates to people with alcohol use disorder, it can be helpful for anyone to realize that asking for forgiveness does not equal action.
When you have truly forgiven someone, you have freed yourself from negative emotions. For example, you no longer feel angry with them or like you want to “get back at them” for doing you wrong.
What Forgiveness Is Not
While understanding what it means to forgive matters, it's also important to understand what forgiveness is not.
- Forgiving someone does not mean that you forget about what they did.
- Forgiving someone does not mean that you think their behavior is OK.
- Forgiving someone does not mean that you are excusing the wrongdoing or “letting them off the hook” for hurting you.
- Forgiving someone does not mean that you have reconciled with them, and it does not mean you are inviting them back into your life.
You should also know that forgiveness is a choice that you make. It’s not something that you should feel pressured into doing.
Your decision to forgive someone does not depend on their future actions. You cannot control what someone else will do in the future. You canset boundariesto protect yourself from the recurrence of their past behaviors.
Forgiveness vs. Reconciliation
Forgiving someone is not the same as reconciling with them. You can forgive someone without “making up” and rebuilding a relationship with them. For example, you can forgive someone for breaking your trust, but that does not mean that you can repair the relationship.
Both people are involved in reconciliation, but forgiveness is something you can do by yourself and for yourself.
Step 9 in A.A. Is Making Amends
When Not Forgiving Someone Is OK
Whether or not it’s OK to refuse to forgive someone depends on your definition of forgiveness. Do you mean that you plan on letting the person who wronged you come back into your life even if they’re not willing to change? Do you mean that you will refrain from mentally holding a grudge against a person so you can free up your mental space?
In the first definition, you could be setting yourself up for more stress and hurt. In the second, you are considering your mental health and making a decision that supports your well-being.
John Lockwood Huie
Forgive those who have injured you—not because they deserve your forgiveness, but because you can never be happy until you release your anger and grant forgiveness.
— John Lockwood Huie
This quote from Huie highlights the rewards of forgiveness. However, note that the quote does not say anything about pursuing a relationship with the person you're forgiving.
Forgiving someone does not mean that you're condoning their actions. You don't have to tell someone that you're forgiving them, and this can be particularly relevant if you don't want to maintain a relationship with them.
The Mental Health Effects of Holding a Grudge
Reasons Why It's OK Not to Forgive Someone
You should not let someone back into your life who has consistently demonstrated apattern of abuse. Do not feel pressured to do something that you don't want to do. There are situations when it’s OK not to forgive someone.
Here are just a few examples:
- You’re still feeling the effects of their actions or experiencingPTSDbecause of how you were treated (particularly for childhood abuse).
- You feel that you're not ready to forgive them even after they have expressed an apology and offered to amend their future behavior. It is OK to tell them that. You feel that forgiving someone would guarantee that they're back in your life, and this would put you and those around you (like your children or family) at risk. Consider the risks of offering forgiveness if the other person sees it as an open door back into your life.
- You feel that the person will pressure you to partake in negative behaviors, for example, drinking alcohol if you'resober.
- You feel that the person does not respect your boundaries. For example, when they contact you at all hours of the day and night, begging for your forgiveness, they are only thinking about their needs and not considering your well-being.
Psychological Benefits of Forgiveness
You can still get some of the psychological benefits of forgiving someone even if you don’t tell them.
One study followed a group of 332 adults over five weeks to look at the benefits of forgiveness. Each participant reported on "state forgiveness, which the researchers defined as "to foster an intentional, purpose-driven disposition bent toward forgiveness." The participants reported their levels of perceived stress as well as their mental and physical health symptoms.
Forgiveness was defined as the "cognitive-motivational-emotional experience of decreasing negativity and increasing positivity toward an offender in the face of adversity.”
The results showed that more forgiveness was linked to more improvement in participants’ stress levels and mental and physical health symptoms throughout the study.
Another study looked at the link between psychological stress, well-being, and forgiveness in 148 young adults. The researchers discovered that people with more lifetime stress and lower levels of forgiveness had worse mental health outcomes as they got older. However, lifetime stress did not predict poor mental health outcomes in the volunteers who scored high in measures of forgiveness.
People can carry these skills over into friendships and relationships with family members, too.
How to Forgive: What to Say
How you forgive someone—the time you choose, the words you say—will be highly personal. If you are not sure where to start, some frameworks can help you move through the process of forgiving. In general, there are four stages of forgiveness that you will need to work through:
- Recognize that you have been hurt and acknowledge your feelings.
- Make a conscious choice to forgive and move on.
- Address any challenges that may come up in the process.
- Let go of the negative emotions to gain peace and a sense of closure.
In the first phase of forgiveness, you may have to ask yourself how you are feeling about what happened. Are you hurt? Angry? Betrayed?
In the second phase, you decide to forgive. In this stage, it can be helpful to ask yourself if you are ready to forgive the other person and what your plan will be for doing so.
In the third phase, ask yourself what might make the process of forgiveness difficult or get in the way of your progress. Think about both internal factors (like your past and present feelings) and situational factors that could complicate the process.
In the final phase, you forgive. The words you choose will be personal and between you and the other person. But they should be genuine and clear. For example, it can be as simple as saying, “I forgive you” or “I choose to forgive you.”
You may also choose to be more specific, such as “I forgive you for _____” and state what the person did. You can specify whether you intend to move on from them or want to attempt to rebuild the relationship.
Summary
Whether you're just letting go mentally or having a conversation directly with the person, the decision to forgive someone is personal. The benefits of forgiveness favor the person who is forgiving more than the person being forgiven. There are also times when forgiving is not what is best for your mental health and safety, so don’t feel pressured to forgive someone who has hurt you if you think that doing so will invite them back into your life.
How to Forgive Yourself
