Salina Schmidgall
Is it healthy for a couple to do everything together? If we are talking literally everything the answer is no. Those couples who seem like the same person. They dress the same, have the same taste in food, enjoy the same hobbies, everything the same. In therapy, we call this enmeshment and it’s not healthy.
Let me psychoanalyze it.
I would also say that one partner is probably doing these things to please the partner but isn’t actually enjoying all the together time. It’s likely they are just afraid to be their own person for fear of losing their partner. So they go along with it. It might not even be conscious for this person that they are modifying their behavior to match their partners. (*This is one of many reasons why enmeshment can occur.)
Want to make sure this isn’t you? Check-in with yourself next time you and your partner are doing something you always do together. Do you really enjoy it? Would you rather be doing something else? What is that something else? Now when you think about doing something else do you notice any fear or anxiety?
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It’s An And Both Situation
Couples who do everything together leave no space for themselves as individuals. I know you love your partner and it may seem like spending every waking moment with them feels good however, you need to be your own person too. This is an and both situation. Spend time with your partner and spend time with yourself. Find a balance in this. It may not be a 50/50 split but there has to be a balance.
It’s important that you have a life outside of your partner. This builds resilience in you and your relationship. Imagine how good it will feel to go home and tell your partner about what you have done with your time away from them. It’s like you get to relive it all over again but this time your partner gets time to show interest in your story and be excited for you. This can be a beautiful way to connect with them. Even if what you did without them didn’t go well you can still tell them and they can comfort you i.e resiliency building.
Growing as Individuals
Couples who do everything together have few chances to learn about themselves as an individual. Here is an example. In a difficult situation, Sam takes the lead and Molly becomes quiet waiting for Sam to fix the issue. Sam is comfortable with confrontation and can do it skillfully but Molly is not. Since they do everything together Molly’s chances of practicing confrontation become slim. When conflict does arise when Sam is not there Molly is quiet because she has no idea what to do and ends up feeling hurt. Molly needs to practice her communication skill when conflict arises. She can talk to Sam about what he does in conflicts and take pointers from him but ultimately she has to go out on her own and do it. When she finally succeeds she gets to go home and tell Sam all about it. Molly thanks Sam for his support and Sam expresses how proud he is of her. Together and separate they grow.
