Many of my clients come to me with questions like:
Why do I overspend?
Why am I unable to save?
Why am I undercharging?
Why do I avoid my finances?
The thoughts behind those questions often are triggered by feelings of shame and embarrassment. So many of my clients believe that they should know how to manage their money wisely. They think that all they need is to learn some skills like how to budget, save or get out of debt and then they’ll be fine.
I’ve learned though most of them have experienced some kind of trauma in their past that contributes to them not being able to find the motivation and persistence to change their financial behavior.
Chantel Chapman of Trauma of Money says “any type of trauma that someone experiences, whether they experience it in their lifetime or it’s passed down generationally, has the ability to impact their relationship with money, even if the original trauma had nothing to do with money. The reason why is because, at its core, trauma is when something happens or doesn’t happen that leaves us feeling unsafe, not secure, or not worthy. And money represents worth and security.”
These traumas can be large like being abused or small things like parents not having enough time to spend with their children.
Trauma can manifest as overspending, avoidance, under earning, it could even be underspending. I see many clients who are afraid to even open their bills or look at their bank statements, who have financial anxiety. It could even show up as taking too many or too few financial risks.
What does trauma do? It shapes your beliefs about yourself and money.
Trauma writes scripts in our minds and embeds them in our nervous system. These narratives lead us to painful disruptive behavior and money disorders. Without healing the trauma and changing those scripts, financial strategies will only help superficially.
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When I was a child both of my parents worked and I was left on my own a lot. So, I carry the trauma of abandonment and was left always wondering if people wanted to be with me.
Chantel Chapman said it perfectly “I would use my money like a “please love and accept me fund.” I would overspend on being accepted —racking up credit card debt, spending money on gifts for friends and family. And then also, spending money on clothing and my home to make myself feel more attractive, not believing anyone would want to be with me just for being me.
I also didn’t advocate for myself when it came to money. I had a hard time charging what I was really worth even though I knew my competition was charging more. I would give discounts all the time and work more hours than I had billed for. Everything for me was really tied to this lack of self-worth.
I recreated the feeling I had as a child of not feeling safe and not feeling loved. It was familiar.
I took what I thought was defensive action to make people see me as lovable and someone they wanted to be with. I used my money in a sense to buy their love.
In order to overcome the negative affects of trauma we need to identify what the trauma is and how it has influenced our thinking and actions. We need to learn how to move out of the trauma response and create sustainable action plans to create wealth for ourselves.
We also have to define what wealth means to us. What do we want our lives to look like?
Once we have unpacked the trauma then we can create a more sustainable action plan because it’s not rooted in trauma, and it’s not rooted in scarcity.
The reality is, if we aren’t able to identify our past traumas, and how they influence us, we will not be able to either consciously or subconsciously resolve our money issues.
Money coaching helps you unpack any past traumas and how they have been affecting your behavior. It helps you change the way you see yourself and teaches you the skills you need to make better financial choices going forward.
This is a new year and can be a new beginning for you. It’s an opportunity to turn your relationship with money around once and for all.
Get in touch and we can talk so you can see if financial coaching is right for you to help you create a new more abundant life this year
Let's Talk: https://calendly.com/self-worth/15min
