Edited by Angelica Russo, LPC
As Pride month culminates this weekend with a series of LGBTQ celebrations and events, it is the perfect time to talk to your kids about LGBTQ identity and experiences. Discussing gender and identity with your child in an age-appropriate and supportive way can feel daunting, so in our latest article in The Creature Times, we discuss 5 easy steps that parents and caregivers can take to get the conversations flowing.
Identity development is a lifelong process that begins early in childhood [1-2]. Developing a sense of self can be challenging for any of us, but it is especially difficult for lesbian, gay, transgender, bisexual, and queer/questioning (LGBTQ) youth, whose existence and status are not always recognized or accepted by members of society. LGBTQ youth experience higher rates of bullying and family rejection than their non-LGBTQ peers. They see their basic rights and dignity frequently put up for debate, as lawmakers introduce bills to block their access to medical treatment, bathrooms, businesses, and sports in school. And the toll of growing up in a society that is far from fully accepting and respecting of LGBTQ people is tragically borne out in higher rates of depression, suicidal ideation, and suicide attempts among LGBTQ youth.
Whether your child identifies as LGBTQ or not, parents and caregivers can play a powerful role in buffering against the harmful effects of anti-LGBTQ prejudice and discrimination.
Research from The Trevor Project, for instance, found that LGBTQ youth who have at least one accepting adult in their life were 40% less likely to report a suicide attempt. And this evidence is further supported by several studies that found that LGBTQ youth who perceive their families as accepting and supportive have better mental health and are less likely to engage in substance use [3].
Caregivers also have an important role to play in countering anti-LGBTQ prejudice, even if there's no indication that their child might be LGBTQ. The 2019 National School Climate Survey Report reported that 59% of LGBTQ students felt unsafe at school because of their sexual orientation, 43% because of their gender expression, and 37% because of their gender. And 86% of LGBTQ students reported experiencing harassment or assault from their peers, which in turn was associated with lower school attendance, grades, and self-esteem, as well as higher levels of depression.
To counter the harmful effects of discrimination on LGBTQ youth, parents and caregivers have a responsibility to teach their children how to be LGBTQ-affirming allies.
By taking steps to raise kids in LGBTQ-proud and inclusive environments, parents and caregivers can play a critical role in transforming society into one where LGBTQ youth are supported, accepted, empowered, and treated the same as any other person. This includes having conversations about LGBTQ topics early and often, as young children begin to establish a sense of personal identity and start to notice differences among people around them. Beginning age-appropriate dialogues at an early age will also leave the door open for more conversations as children grow up. Regardless of whether a child ends up identifying as LGBTQ or not, making the topic one that’s easy to talk about will help children learn how to be allies to their LGBTQ peers.
It’s never too early for children to learn the basic principles of tolerance, acceptance, and love of others—principles that are essential to fostering social connection and belonging.
However, discussing gender and identity with your child in an age-appropriate and supportive way can feel daunting or challenging. Here are 5 easy steps that parents and caregivers can take to raise their kids in an LGBTQ-inclusive environment, empowering them as a member or ally of the LGBTQ community:
Learn LGBTQ history
A good way for parents and caregivers to get started is by taking some time to learn about the history of the LGBTQ civil rights movement. The more you know about LGBTQ issues, history, and progress, the better equipped you will feel in conversations with your child. And this learning endeavor can even be one that you take with your child. Age-appropriate LGBTQ history books and games provide children and their caregivers with education and/or validation around the struggles faced by LGBTQ people, an opportunity to explore or learn more about their own identity, and exposure to LGBTQ icons that you and your child can look up to. As you embark on this learning journey with your child, just remember to balance conversations of prejudice and discrimination with messages of pride, hope, progress, and community allies.
Make LGBTQ representation a priority in your child’s toys, books, and media
Another easy but powerful way to encourage positive identity development in your child and model allyship is by providing them with age-appropriate, LGBTQ-inclusive toys, books, and media. Play and learning materials that reflect values of acceptance and self-love, diversity in gender identities, and diverse LGBTQ figures and role models can amplify positive influences in your child’s daily life, engage them in conversations around LGBTQ issues, and, most importantly, turn these discussions into more than a one-time event.
Expose your child to LGBTQ people and supportive LGBTQ-affirming allies
While representation in toys, books, and media is great, children also learn through observing and interacting with others, and these actions can either reinforce or undermine prior discussions of LGBTQ topics (for better or worse). As such, it’s important to take stock of the people in your child’s social circle, and make any necessary adjustments to surround yourself, your child, and your entire family with people who are supportive and LGBTQ-affirming. If you don’t know where to start, finding local organizations to volunteer at and support that are working to make the world a better place for LGBTQ youth can be a great way to positively expand your child’s social circle.
Be mindful of countering gender and romantic stereotypes
Parents and caregivers, whether they have an LGBTQ child or not, should be aware that children are always listening and paying attention to their caregivers’ words and actions, which can positively or negatively influence their child’s views on LGBTQ topics. As such, it’s important to constantly check your own biases, by being mindful of the language you use and how you treat people of different genders and sexual orientations. Traditional ideas of masculinity and femininity are learned in early childhood, and an awareness of gender stereotypes is often developed before a child is even old enough to go to school [4]. By taking care to counter societal messages about gender roles and partnership expectations, caregivers will help ensure that their child will not be hindered in terms of their own opportunities for development and growth, nor perpetuate harmful stereotypes themselves.
Leverage teachable moments
Finally, one of the easiest ways parents and caregivers can begin to engage in LGBTQ-related discussions with their child is by capitalizing on teachable moments that are initiated by the child themselves. Children are highly observant and naturally inquisitive, which can lead them to ask questions about different family structures (“Why does Lucy have two mommies?”), behaviors (“Why is Ricky wearing pink? Pink is a girl’s color.”), or unfamiliar objects in their environment (“What is that rainbow flag?”), which serve as the perfect gateways to conversations about LGBTQ experiences and identity.By noticing and leveraging your child’s cues to discuss, and by being open to engage in a two-way conversation in an age-appropriate way, you will be well-positioned to take advantage of learning opportunities while sending powerful signals of inclusion.
Additional Resources:
GLAAD (Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation)
PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays)
In-text references
[1] Boskey, E. R. (2014). Understanding transgender identity development in childhood and adolescence. American Journal of Sexuality Education, 9(4), 445-463.
[2] McLean, K. C., & Syed, M. U. (Eds.). (2015). The Oxford handbook of identity development. Oxford Library of Psychology.
[3] Newcomb, M. E., LaSala, M. C., Bouris, A., Mustanski, B., Prado, G., Schrager, S. M., & Huebner, D. M. (2019). The Influence of Families on LGBTQ Youth Health: A Call to Action for Innovation in Research and Intervention Development. LGBT health, 6(4), 139–145. https://doi.org/10.1089/lgbt.2018.0157
[4] Zosuls, K. M., Ruble, D. N., Tamis-Lemonda, C. S., Shrout, P. E., Bornstein, M. H., & Greulich, F. K. (2009). The acquisition of gender labels in infancy: implications for gender-typed play. Developmental psychology, 45(3), 688–701. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0014053
