Divorce is a big change for a child. When told about the divorce, many children feel sad, angry, or anxious. Some are supportive or even relieved by the news, but may still be uncertain about how their lives or schedules will change. Because nearly three-quarters of divorces take place in the first 13 years of marriage, younger kids are frequently absorbing these impacts.
While there's no telling how any one child will feel about a divorce, their reaction may be influenced by their age. There is no best or worst age for divorce for children, but there are ways to deliver news and handle the logistics of separation according to a child's age and developmental stage. Here's a look at what children comprehend about divorce at different ages, and how you can help them cope during the transition.
:max_bytes(150000):strip_icc()/GettyImages-486417825-2000-0068c0c29d394c22bf695fc1ed767032.jpg "How Divorce Affects Children, Age By Age (1)")
Effects of Divorce on Babies (Birth to 18 Months)
Though it may come as a surprise to some, even babies are affected by divorce, especially if parental conflict leads to arguing and tension in the home. During infancy, babies can sense stress in their environment, even if they can't understand the reasoning behind conflicts. If the tension continues, babies may become irritable and clingy, especially around new people, and have frequent emotional outbursts. They may also regress or show signs of developmental delay.
Divorcing parents can ease their baby's transition during and after divorce by creating an emotionally safe environment. Babies require consistency and routine, and they're comforted by familiarity.
Research shows that infants who have frequent overnight visits with a second parent show more signs of attachment insecurity—more anxiety and less trust in caregivers—as they enter childhood. If it's hard to have your baby sleep primarily in one home, be sure to maintain normal daily routines like a sleep schedule and regular meal times during and after the divorce. Provide your child with their favorite toys or security items, and spend extra time holding them and offering physical comfort.
Effects of Divorce on Toddlers (18 Months to 3 Years Old)
Divorce can emotionally and psychologically impact children from ages 18 months to 3 years. During the toddler years, a child's main bond is with their parents, so any major disruption in their home life can be difficult to accept and comprehend. Toddlers whose parents are divorcing may cry and want more attention than usual, regress and return to thumb-sucking, resist toilet training, or have trouble going to sleep or sleeping alone at night.
Parents should consider prioritizing their child's routines to help ease the transition to post-divorce life. If possible, parents should work together to develop normal, predictable routines that their child can easily follow. It's also important to spend quality time with your kid and give them extra attention; ask trusted friends and relatives to do the same.
Try your best to keep your emotions in check in front of your toddler. Research shows that parents who have marital conflicts respond to their children's negative emotions with higher levels of distress, which can lead young children to withdraw emotionally or have more feelings of distress themselves. Help your child name their feelings, read books together, and maintain a calm, measured tone as much as you can.
Effects of Divorce on Preschoolers (3 to 6 Years Old)
Divorce is a difficult concept for children between the ages of 3 and 6 to understand mainly because of the scary level of uncertainty it brings. Preschoolers may understand that their parents aren't getting along but don't understand the notion of divorce and likely won't want their parents to separate—no matter how tense their home environment.
Like toddlers, preschoolers might believe they're ultimately responsible for their parents' separation. They may experience uncertain feelings about the future, keep their anger trapped inside, have unpleasant thoughts or ideas, or have nightmares.
To help kids between the ages of 3 and 6 ease into the transition of divorce, parents should commit to modeling the behavior and attitude they want to see in their children.
Parents should handle the divorce openly and positively, if possible, as preschoolers will reflect their parents' moods and attitudes. They'll likely want to talk with someone and express their feelings, and they may respond well to age-appropriate books about divorce. Kids this age also need to feel safe and secure, knowing they'll continue seeing their non-custodial parent (the one they don't live with) regularly. Set up a regular visitation schedule and consistently adhere to it.
Effects of Divorce on School-Age Children (6 to 11 Years Old)
Divorce may leave school-age kids between the ages of 6 and 11 struggling with feelings of abandonment. Younger elementary schoolers aren't likely to understand the complex reasons why two grown-ups don't want to be married anymore and feel as if their parents are divorcing them. Research suggests that elementary-school-age children may be more likely than older children to feel as if they are to blame for their parents' divorce.
Kids this age may also blame one parent for the separation and align themselves with the "good" parent against the "bad." They may accuse their parents of being mean or selfish and expressing their anger in various ways such as fighting with classmates, lashing out against the world, or becoming anxious, withdrawn, or depressed. For some kids of divorcing parents, schoolwork may suffer, at least temporarily.
Elementary school children can feel extreme loss and rejection during a divorce, but parents can rebuild their child's sense of self-esteem and security. To start, each parent should spend quality time with the child, urging them to open up about their feelings. Reassure them that you won't abandon them, and reiterate that the divorce is not their fault (or just one parent's fault). It's also important to maintain a regular visitation schedule as kids thrive on predictability—particularly during times of turmoil.
Finally, help your child get (or stay) involved with activities they enjoy; school clubs, friendships, and extracurriculars are increasingly important at this age. Encourage them to reach out to others instead of withdrawing from the world.
