“My wife and I are trying to figure out what to do with our good luck. Just as our older son began his first year in college, her ninety-four year old grandfather died and left us a lot of money. I mean, a LOT of money. We’ve never even had what we thought of as ‘enough,’ and now this. She wants to save most of it for college and maybe graduate school; I want her to have a larger house, and be able to buy what she wants without worrying if we can afford it. And I’ve got my own private wish list. So I’m not complaining, of course; we’re just plain lucky. But I’m surprised at how difficult it is to figure out what to do with all this. Any thoughts?”
Well, my first honest thought is, “How will I manage my envy?” I have plenty of money, especially compared to what I was raised with and what I made as a minister. But I never think I have enough. So, lucky you. And I suppose the first thing to do is say, “Thanks, granddad!” But I think you’re right to be careful and thoughtful with this gift. Money is tricky; it can corrupt us or make us wiser, depending on how we understand its place in our lives. I have this theory. I think my generation dismantled the value system of our parents, that “greatest generation” that fought World War II and came home to create a new America. They believed, and taught us to believe, in family, country, school, church or synagogue (we didn’t know anyone who went to a mosque, or any Buddhists), and America as the greatest country in the world. But then, some time in the middle of the last century, when I was in my early twenties, all hell broke loose. The civil rights movement; the Vietnam war and our protests against it; the invention of the pill and the liberation of women from fear of pregnancy, which coincided with the birth of feminism; the struggle for equality for gays and lesbians; and on and on. All these struggles dismantled our respect for and trust in those values we’d been taught. And what was left? Here’s my theory: the only value that pervades our now-pluralistic, secular culture is how much money you make and what you buy with it. Money has become the primary measure of our success or failure.
So now that you have, as you write, “a LOT” of money, what will this do to shape your values and to what extent will you let it define you? These are such important questions, not just for you but also for so many of us. To wrestle your way to answers that will serve you well is no easy task. So here are some thoughts as you take on your new wealth.
First, GO DEEP. It’s important to decide whether to buy the larger house or to save for college, though your phrase “a LOT” makes me think you can do both of these and at least some of your wish list, and still have plenty left. But more important than these issues is this one: Will you manage your money, or will your money manage you? Will your new wealth now dominate your sense of who you are, or do you have a set of convictions about life into which you can fit this new wealth? Do you have ways of measuring your success or failure as individuals that will not be corrupted by money, or will money now leap to the top of your list of things that determine your success or failure? These questions will drive you deep into your character and convictions.
Second, DO THE WORK. I hope you’re already treating yourselves and your kids to simple pleasures that this money can buy. But before you get too impulsive and drop a load of it on a house or whatever, TAKE YOUR TIME. Have the conversations with your wife, and maybe with your kids, about what ultimately matters to you as a family. Maybe you raised your kids in your current house, and it’s what “home” means to them. Do you want to trade that for more room in a “better” neighborhood? Ask yourselves how your new wealth will affect your current friendships. And how much of your new money should you give away? My wife’s parents gave ten percent of their gross income each year to charities, so we began doing that as soon as we were married. It was tough when we were in graduate school and eating too much pasta and peanut butter, but we did it. It got more complicated the more we had. Do we really want to give away this much this year? Always, Becky would come back to this: “Yes, that’s a lot to give away, but how much are we keeping is also an important factor.” So how much will you spend, how much will you give, how much will you keep? You’ve got some hard work in front of you.
Third, FIND YOUR OWN ANSWER. There is no right way to handle this. As I wrote above, lucky you to be given such a gift. But also, wise you to know that it is not a simple gift. It complicates your life, and requires a bunch of decisions for you and your family. For me, the most important thing is that you don’t let your wealth define you. Fit it in to the values you have developed over the years of your marriage, and let it enhance rather than corrupt those values. When you’ve made your way through these discussions, trust your own answers, and live them out with enthusiasm. Lucky you!
I’m very curious about how you work your way through this new circ*mstance and what you decide. I hope you’ll get back to me about your decisions, and about your reactions to what I’ve written. I look forward to reading comments from you – or from others who can relate to your scenario – below. And remember, GO DEEP, DO THE WORK, FIND YOUR OWN ANSWER.
Good luck!
