Spouses of unfaithful partners are usually relieved to learn that their strong emotions around the infidelity are perfectly valid. According to Dr. Patrick Carnes, who founded IITAP, the leading organization for treating sex addiction, discovering your spouse’s infidelity can be as traumatic as sexual assault.
It’s perfectly understandable if the infidelity has brought up PTSD symptoms, which may include:
Agitation, irritability, and hostility toward your spouse or others
Hypervigilance, watching for something to go wrong at any minute
Self-destructive behavior, including possibly acting out with your own unhealthy coping strategies
Social isolation
Severe anxiety and distrust
Flashbacks to the moment you discovered the betrayal and other strong visualizations
Depression, including blaming yourself
Insomnia or nightmares
Feeling sick to your stomach “all the time”
Betrayal Trauma Has a Profound Impact on the Body
Just like in someone who’s been to war, infidelity PTSD literally changes your physiological makeup. Your body goes into “fight or flight” mode because the emotional bonds with your spouse have been threatened. Your sense of safety is jeopardized.
In fact, this infidelity PTSD can cause your cortisol levels to increase so dramatically that it lowers your immune system response and can even cause significant weight gain over time.
With betrayal trauma, even after the immediate threat has passed, your brain continues to be flooded with neurochemicals telling you it’s not safe to let down your guard. You keep thinking another moment of betrayal trauma is just around the corner.
This heightened sense of fear and alertness causes the PTSD symptoms outlined above and ultimately keeps you from betrayal trauma recovery.
Long-Term Impact of Betrayal Trauma
Dr. Carnes writes that in many cases of PTSD, infidelity causes new, distorted bonds to form between spouses. He calls these “trauma bonds” or “betrayal bonds.”
Trauma bonds look different in every relationship. In certain circles, trauma bonds are referred to as “codependent relationships;” however, the term “codependency” can lead to blaming the spouse and not recognizing the extent of the betrayal trauma he or she has endured.
Here are a few examples of the issues that come up in a relationship characterized by trauma bonds:
You feel the need to defend, hide, or explain your relationship to others. Others may be horrified by what you have endured, but to you, the situation seems normal or not as shocking.
Your spouse continues to break promises but you don’t do anything differently and/or continue to expect your spouse to get better.
You may feel like it’s time to leave the relationship but you’re unable to do so. Even after leaving, the betrayed spouse may experience nostalgia for the relationship.
You and your spouse engage in repetitive and destructive fights that are never resolved.
You go to great lengths to forgive your spouse or keep the infidelity a secret. You may justify this by focusing on the good your spouse has done or the importance of their position or career. Or you may even feel ashamed and worry that if a friend or family member knew they would judge you.
These are just a few of the ways that betrayal trauma can impact a relationship.
Betrayal Trauma Recovery Is the Next Step
Your spouse may be resistant to counseling. If infidelity is a pattern, he or she could have a full blown sex addiction. If this is the case, your spouse may be stuck in the addiction cycle and lack hope that anything can change.
Even if your spouse refuses to seek counseling for his or her infidelity, it’s still important for you to pursue betrayal trauma recovery. Betrayal trauma recovery is a critical part of establishing your own health and happiness, regardless of what your spouse chooses to do.
It can be hard to have a healthy perspective when you’re dealing with betrayal trauma. A therapist provides an outside perspective that cuts through the mental fog caused by PTSD and infidelity.
Over time, as you work on betrayal trauma recovery, you will be able to see more clearly for yourself and respond to your spouse in healthier ways. It’s up to you to set healthy boundaries, take care of yourself, and develop supportive relationships outside of your marriage.
More Resources for Betrayal Trauma Recovery
If you’re dealing with betrayal trauma, and especially if your spouse is dealing with sexual addiction, there are many resources in addition to therapy that could be helpful.
One of the most popular is S-Anon, which is based on the 12 Steps but is geared toward friends and family of sexaholics. S-Anon can provide a great support system of peers in conjunction with one-on-one therapy.
Betrayal trauma recovery is just a phone call away. Contact our intake coordinator, Elizabeth, at (760) 283-7000 for more information and to set up an initial appointment.
