Whether you’re in Melbourne, Mississippi, or Mars, chances are there are a few narcissists in your vicinity.
Some are just better at hiding their narcissism than others.
Narcissists can come in the form of romantic partners, bosses, colleagues, siblings, parents, and grandparents.
Thus, trying to seek out and identify them is always a worthwhile pursuit.
In this article, I’ll run you through the subtle behaviors of even the most covert of narcissists.
Once you identify the behaviors, you can start dealing with them accordingly. Let’s dive in!
1) Subtle manipulation
Rather than insult or put you down outright, the covert narcissist is far more cunning in their methods.
They’re highly skilled at manipulation–and can inflict damage without you even realizing it.
They use guilt-tripping, playing the victim, backhanded compliments, and gaslighting all to their advantage.
They crave control, lots of it, and will work their magic to gain it.
They can be so convincing that we often fall for their tricks–only realizing it when the damage is already been done.
Stay wary.
2) Seeking praise indirectly
Fishing for praise or flattery is one of the favorite pastimes of the narcissist.
They’ll run through hoops to appear modest and unassuming–but this is all a farce.
They might downplay their achievements, be self-deprecating, and talk about difficulties or shortcomings, as a ploy to elicit validation.
They want to come across as humble yet will actively seek compliments, on social media or in real life, like a drug-addled fiend looking for their next hit.
The “humble brag” is a way of life for them.
3) Selective vulnerability
Some people like baseball cards, some people like Pokemon cards–and narcissists love to play the sympathy card.
They will strategically try to come across as vulnerable to gain attention and pity from others; they get off from this feeling.
They tend to overshare their personal struggles–discussing their seemingly endless trials and tribulations in great detail, embellishing often.
The latter serves their agenda–which is to gain the sympathy of those around them.
They might act as a perpetual, hapless victim of life, never at fault, always seeking to provoke a specific reaction in whoever is willing to listen.
4) Gaslighting tactics
Covert narcissists are incredibly skilled actors, they’re like the Daniel Day Lewis’s of manipulation.
Hence, they tend to employ gaslighting techniques to get what they want; and they can be so realistic, that we often fall for their tricks–only to realize it and regret it later.
They’ll twist facts, deny events ever happened, and subtly suggest you’re the one who is misunderstanding.
They’ll use their schemes to make you doubt your perception and memory (even short-term memory.)
So, no, you’re not losing your marbles.
What they’re doing is intentional and systematic. Don’t be a victim.
5) Triangulation
For many covert narcissists, divide and conquer is the name of the game.
They thrive off disharmony and get a sort of twisted high off of people in their periphery not getting along.
Hence, they’ll actively work to create divisions among people.
Perhaps they’ll spread gossip and misinformation or create alliances.
Basically, they will do whatever it takes to pit individuals against each other to maintain control and feel superior.
We see this in the media all the time.
Certain outlets’ reporting is sometimes so polarized and misleading that we (the public) begin to grow a legitimate hostility towards one another.
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Why would they do this, you ask?
Well, the media, like the everyday covert narcissist, knows that once you divide people, they become far easier to control.
6) Passive-aggressive behavior
As mentioned, outright aggression just ain’t their jam.
Narcissists prefer a far more understated approach to manipulating their victims.
They’ll often use passive-aggressive methods like silent treatment, sarcasm, or highly subtle insults and jabs to undermine you, to chip away at your self-worth and self-esteem, without being overtly confrontational.
If you call them out for this behavior, as I have in the past, they’ll immediately assume the role of the innocent victim, hiding behind their supposedly well-meaning nature.
Not cool.
7) Boundary crossing
Since covert narcissists are inherently self-centered, they have minimal regard for people’s boundaries.
They’ll push you to the limit, sometimes just to amuse themselves. They want to see how much they can get away with.
They might invade your personal space, invade your private matters and relationships, and flat-out ignore the boundaries you’ve established.
The truth is that life is too short for these types of folks.
Unless there’s a drastic, concerted change in their behavior, moving on might be your best bet.
8) Charm offensive
One of the reasons a covert narcissist is well, covert, is because they tend to be incredibly charismatic.
On the surface, they’re a picture of likability and charm; they act kind and compassionate.
Perhaps they’ll even excessively praise you, perpetuating a veneer of false modesty and kindness.
Unfortunately, the reality is a tad more unsavory.
Their end goal is typically to appease a powerful need for validation, attention, and admiration.
I hate to say it but, in his prime, my grandfather was a big-time narcissist.
When out socially, he’d treat me and the rest of the family with admirable kindness and graciousness–like he was the model grandfather, father, and family man.
Ultimately, this was all for show.
Behind closed doors, he could be excessively mean-spirited, short-tempered, moody, selfish, petty, and jealous… you name it.
Many of us kids and grandkids would actively avoid him, afraid he could go on one of his patented outbursts at any moment.
Moral of the story? For better or worse, you can’t judge a book (or a covert narcissist) by its cover.
9) Emotional blackmail
It goes without saying that covert narcissists are masters of manipulation, masters of toying with your emotions like how a six-year-old toys with Lego.
They’re also allergic to accountability of any kind, even when they’re clearly at fault.
Instead, they like to make others feel responsible.
They are experts at convincing themselves and others that other people are responsible for their feelings or well-being, tactfully and skillfully using guilt to achieve those objectives.
Final words
If you have a high-functioning, covert narcissist in your life, don’t worry, not all is lost.
Perhaps they’ve been so stuck in their ways that they someone else to resoundingly call them out.
Sit them down, gently but thoroughly air out your concerns.
Everyone deserves a second chance.
But if you’ve tried this, and change remains elusive, you owe it to yourself to walk away.
Life is short.
You deserve to spend it with the right kind of people.
