There’s an old saying that the only things that are certain in life are death and taxes, but there are few more things we could add to that list. Making a mistake, for example, is something that everyone has to deal with, often many times. We’re human, and we’re learning as we go, and sometimes that means that things don’t always turn out the way we want them to. Mistakes are a part of life, and they can actually be a powerful teaching tool if you allow them to be.
Part of why making a mistake is so hard is that they’re humbling. It can be hard to admit that you didn’t do something right. For many people, the first response to hearing they made a mistake is a feeling of shame or guilt. Some people feel defensive when they realize they’ve made a mistake. Even when someone’s reaction is frustrating or not what you want it to be, try to imagine where they’re coming from. It’s painful to admit that you’re wrong. It can be embarrassing or make you question yourself.
Remember, literally no one is perfect.
Everyone has done something that they’re not proud of or that they’d do differently if they had a chance. If you feel an intense wave of self loathing when you make mistakes, you might be dealing with some perfectionistic tendencies. While being perfect sounds fine on the surface, in reality it’s impossible, so expecting perfection is just setting yourself up for failure. Instead of setting yourself up to fail, remember that you’re human. You’re going to get it wrong sometimes. Even when that happens, you’re going to be okay. Mistakes don’t need to define you, especially when you use them as a learning opportunity.
Mistakes are going to happen, so having a plan in place for what you’ll do when you make a mistake can help guide you through those painful moments. If you’ve made a mistake, here are 6 things you can do:
Own it
Denying what happened isn’t doing anyone any good. Nothing can be done about a situation until the situation is acknowledged, so the sooner you own up to the mistake the sooner you can make it right. Owning your mistake also allows you to take back some of your power. It can make you feel useless when you mess up, but deciding to own it can be empowering. Yes, you messed up. It’s okay for that to be true. It doesn’t make you a bad person to make a mistake. Once you realize that, it will feel easier to own up to mistakes in the future.
Remember mistakes don't define you
As mentioned before, you aren’t a bad person when you make a mistake. We are all complicated, and seeing things in black and white is a cognitive distortion - or a pattern of thinking that isn’t true. If you find yourself feeling like making a mistake means you’re a bad person, try to notice and interrogate that assumption. Is that true? Or do you just feel bad or embarrassed? Feeling bad and being bad are two different things. Mistakes don’t define you, but the way you respond when you make a mistake is something that people will remember. Don’t get so caught up in feeling defined by your mistake that you react with defensiveness.
Find ways to learn from it
There’s always something to learn from a mistake. Sometimes, it’s as simple as “Don’t do that again.” Mistakes teach us resilience and responsibility. They also reveal a lot about us in our response. What are you tempted to do in the wake of a mistake? Would that actually be helpful, or would that make things worse? Whenever something happens that’s a mistake, there’s a lesson to find.
Listen to feedback from others without defensiveness
It can be hard to listen to someone explain that you hurt them or that you did something wrong. However, keep in mind that mistakes don’t make you bad. When you know that a mistake isn't something that changes your worth as a person, it will be easier to listen to feedback from others. It can be really intimidating to confront someone on a way that they hurt you or let you down. When someone has the courage to talk to you about something like that, practice active listening. Don’t listen to respond or defend yourself. Reflect on what they shared and how your actions made them feel. Listen for what they’re asking for from you.
If you find yourself getting defensive at first, that’s pretty human. No one likes to be told that they did something wrong. However, you don’t have to stay in defensive mode when someone is giving you feedback. You can choose to move past defensiveness into listening.
Challenge negative self-talk
It can be easy to dwell on negative thoughts like making mistakes. It can reinforce negative beliefs that you have about yourself, and it can be hard to notice when you’re talking to yourself in a negative way. When you do notice those critical, negative thoughts coming up about yourself, do what you can to challenge them. Are they true? Is it helpful to focus on them? How can you shift your inner dialogue to one that’s more compassionate toward yourself?
Practice self-compassion
Above all, be nice to yourself. Life is already hard enough without being a jerk to yourself on top of it. If it’s too hard to be nice to yourself, pretend you’re talking to your best friend or a younger version of yourself. It’s pretty hard to be mean to someone you love and care about for something as human as making a mistake. Extend that compassion to yourself!
