5 Reasons You're Not Solving Your Problems (2024)

We all have problems we’re aware of but ignore: The argument with your partner on Saturday night about money gets swept under the rug on Sunday morning. You’ve been unhappy with your work schedule for the past year, but you’ve taken no steps to talk to your supervisor or look for another job.

Life is filled with problems, and while the content constantly changes, our way of approaching and resolving them is often set, and our perspectives or emotions get in the way of moving forward. Following are five common reasons why we don’t solve some of our problems, and the antidotes:

1. It’s not your problem.

Your partner is worried about the balance on the credit card and wants to set up a tight budget to pay it off, but you’re okay carrying a balance even if there is interest. She sees a problem where you think there’s none.

This is common with couples. One partner is sensitive to specific issues that the other couldn’t care less about. It’s easy to argue about whose reality is right, which goes nowhere, and then sweep under the rug to avoid having another argument. The unsolved problem is like a landmine you eventually step on, starting the cycle over again.

Solution: The challenge here is to be sensitive to your partner’s concerns while not grudgingly caving in. Instead, you want to look for win-win compromises: Yes, you can work up a budget and work to pay down the balance in six months instead of one.

2. You get overwhelmed.

You’re considering applying for a new job, but you go on job websites and feel overwhelmed—so many jobs, different requirements, and complicated applications. You avoid.

Solution: To avoid being overwhelmed, start with a clear goal to help you sort priorities. If you need help defining it, talk to someone—a good friend, your partner, or a counselor—who can ask the hard questions to help you refine your objectives.

Next, you want to have ways of lowering your anxiety. Here it may help to have a friend or partner walk through websites with you, or maybe you decide to only work on applications for a limited time each day. You want to keep moving forward but at a manageable pace.

3. You’re self-critical, have low self-esteem, and are depressed.

You’re thinking of talking to your supervisor about your work schedule but feel intimidated and worried that you wouldn’t express yourself well. You give up on applying for jobs because you tell yourself you’re probably not qualified. Your critical voice puts pressure on you to solve the problem and do it right. Low self-esteem tells you you’re not good enough or will mess it up. And your depression is saying, "Why bother? It won’t change."

Solution: Rather than letting these voices run you, you need to see how they sabotage your efforts, overriding your rational brain. Time to push back, take baby steps toward your goal despite how you think and feel, and seek help to deal with the underlying problem.

4. Your solution is too vague; your expectations are unrealistic.

You and your partner agree to cut back on expenses, but even after a month, not much has changed. You go gangbusters applying for jobs for a few weeks, but you give up when you don’t hear anything back. Agreeing to "cut back on expenses" is too vague; you both likely have different ideas about what that means. You're expecting a quick response on your applications while, in reality, they are stuck in some bureaucratic morass.

Solution: Good solutions are behavioral, detailed, and realistic—an agreed-upon budget and a reasonable timeline. But even seemingly solid plans are rarely one-and-done. This is about circling back, assessing, and finetuning. Checking in after a week to see how the budget is working. Sending a follow-up email to the employer after two weeks or revising your resume.

5. There’s no accountability and not enough support.

You need help holding your feet to the fire; you need accountability. You're trying to approach problems differently and are learning new skills, so you need support.

Solution: You and your partner sit down a week later and look at expenses. You role-play with a friend talking to your supervisor about the schedule, or your friend checks in with you about the job applications you’ve completed this week.

Embedded in problems is always something to learn—whether it's about changing a tire or filling out your taxes. But the biggest lessons are about learning how to run your life, handle problems differently, be proactive rather than reactive, and override those old childhood feelings of inadequacy. Realizing what keeps you from solving your problems takes you halfway toward solving them.

To find a therapist near you, visit Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

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