3 Simple Ways to Get Your Ex Back Using the No Contact Rule (2024)

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Co-authored byLisa Shieldand Kai Hynes

Last Updated: December 18, 2023References

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   Tell your ex you won't be reaching out for a while. This is a mature and respectful way to initiate the no contact rule, as opposed to cutting off communication without letting them know what’s going on.^[1] Call or text your your ex a few days after the breakup to tell them you won’t be contacting them for the time being.

   • You could tell your ex “I don’t think we should talk for a while,” or “I need some time alone.”
   • Try to be vague about how long the silence will last. The uncertainty will help push your ex to decide if they want to save this relationship.
   • Don’t tell your ex you’re using the no contact rule. This method works best if they don’t know it’s temporary.
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   Plan how long you want the no contact period to last. Setting an end date to your silence can motivate you to maintain the no contact rule, even after it feels unbearable. 4 weeks is generally considered to be enough time for your ex to change their mind about the breakup if they’re going to do it.^[2] That being said, follow it for as long or short as you feel is right.

   • Whether you want to set an exact date to end on is up to you. But try to have an idea so you're not waiting forever.
   • The length of this period can change, too, depending on whether your ex reaches out or your own feelings change.

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   Use the limited contact rule if you see each other in-person. There are times when following the no contact rule is physically impossible, like when you work or go to school together. In cases like these, switching over to the limited contact rule is more realistic than switching jobs or schools.^[3] To use the limited contact rule:

   • Avoid starting conversations with your ex. If they talk to you first, try to keep your response brief but polite.
   • For example, if your ex asks how you’re doing, respond with “I’m doing alright, thanks for asking. It’s good to see you!”
   • If you’re angry or cold towards them, they might think “good riddance,” which definitely won’t make them want to get back together.
   • You can still follow these rules if you’re doing no contact but run into your ex in public.

   

   Natalie Lue, Breakup Recovery Coach

   When initiating no contact after a breakup, wholly committing to cutting ties is key—block their number, unfollow social media, remove visible reminders. This clean break allows you to heal, detach, gain perspective, and improve yourself. Ultimately, no contact focuses on working on you, not getting them back.

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   Avoid reaching out to your ex. For the duration of your proposed no contact period, try your hardest to not reach out to your ex. If your ex contacts you first, whether you respond is up to you and your goal with the no contact rule. If you're trying to get them back, hold off on responding unless they bring up getting back together.^[4]

   • Do your best to not respond to ex’s calls or texts that aren't about having a serious conversation about the relationship.
   • If you respond to their messages immediately, you risk making them think you’ll stay in their life even if you’re not together.
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   Focus on your own life. Being in a relationship may have changed how you live your life. Rather than dwelling on missing old routines, use this time apart as a break and an opportunity to give yourself some much needed “me” time.^[5]

   • Spend time with friends and family, devote energy to your hobbies or career, or set new personal goals for yourself.
   • Remember that the no contact rule is also meant to help you heal in the case that your ex doesn’t want to get back together.
   • Distract yourself from post-breakup doom and gloom and rebuild your self-confidence.
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   Use social media and mutual friends to stay on your ex’s mind. If you’re worried your ex will forget about you while you’re ignoring them, stay on their social media feed and in the mouths of mutual friends to constantly remind them of you.^[6]

   • Try making posts about fun things you’re doing to make your ex miss being a part of your exciting life.
   • Do your best to stay in touch with mutual friends so they can report how you're doing to your ex.
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   Don’t badmouth your ex. It might be tempting to complain to your friends and the internet about how much you hate your ex for leaving you. Just know that these words could get back to your ex. If they find out you’re saying nasty things behind their back, they might not want to get back together.^[7]

   • You don’t have to praise your ex. Just try to remain neutral or positive about how you’re feeling toward them.
   • For example, if someone asks if you’re still friends with your ex, just say “We’re not really talking at the moment. But maybe one day!”

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   Reach out to your ex after the no contact period ends. After your 4 weeks (or however long you decide) are up and your ex hasn't reached out first, you can try contacting your ex. Instead of making it obvious that you’re trying to get back together, imagine you're talking to an old friend about something that made you think of them.^[8]

   • First, acknowledge your silence with something like, “Sorry for the silence. I just needed some time alone.”
   • Then, bring up something nostalgic, like, “I was just at our favorite restaurant the other day” or “I finished that TV show we started watching.”
   • After that, try easing into a casual conversation with something like, “I was just thinking about you. How are you?”
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   Discuss the breakup in-person. After you’ve established contact with your ex, you’ll need to address the elephant in the room. This part of the conversation is best done face-to-face: just like no one likes being broken up with over the phone, no one likes talking about breakups over the phone.^[9]

   • You can initiate this with something like “It’s really nice talking to you again. Would you ever want to meet up for coffee or a meal?”
   • Once you’ve met and caught up for a bit, bring up the breakup by asking, “Where do you think our relationship went wrong?”
   • Respectfully listen and respond to your ex’s opinions. More arguments won’t fix this relationship!
   • For example, if your ex says you weren't supportive, say, “I’m sorry. That’s something I’m really trying to work on."
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   Talk about a better future together. After the two of you have finished discussing your past relationship, it’s time to start looking toward the future. If you're still willing to give the relationship another try, assure your ex that this time could be different.^[10]

   • If you want to initiate the topic of getting back together, bring it up sensitively, and remember that your ex has the right to say no.
   • If you want your ex to initiate getting back together, be prepared to let them do it at their own pace.
   • Remember that getting back together is the beginning of something new. Don't let whatever caused the breakup happen again!

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